


Transitions

by LivingStoryWriter



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn, Falsettos - Lapine/Finn (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-02-12 01:37:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12948501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivingStoryWriter/pseuds/LivingStoryWriter
Summary: Finding a kid laying on a park bench is one thing. But finding out their parents disowned them and they're now on their own is a whole other game. Starts right after Whizzer leaves Marvin.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a bit of a fair waning. This is more of a vent/comfort story for myself and anyone who needs it than anything. Thankfully, my parents were supportive when I recently came out about my confusion over gender and how I've begun to realize I identify as transgender. Though they really don't like to talk much about it despite me wanting an open dialogue and have advised against talking to other family members about it for now. I appreciate the concern but at the same time it really hurts to know I can't be fully open with others. And I have had a decent amount of baggage from some not so great coming out experiences, both about my sexuality or gender identity. Because of all of this, I've been feeling kind of alone and not completely sure how to present myself anymore. But Falsettos, despite making me cry like crazy, really resonates with me. And this writing this made me feel a bit better.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Whizzer and Matthew meet for the first time.

New York City, you gotta love it. For better or worse, it’ll always be there. And this was one of those for worse times. A chilly breeze blew across my face, sending a shiver down my spine as I laid in a curled-up ball on the park bench. I couldn’t complain too much. The park bench, while not as comfy, smelt a whole lot better than the pile of trash I’d crashed on the night before. I’d always been told I was a glass half full type of person, so at least I had that going for me.

The sound of dogs barking and cats meowing echoed in the distance. It was almost symphonic. The symphony of a poor vagrant just trying to get by in life. It kind of sucked to hold that title at the age of thirteen. Since nobody would hire me I didn’t have the money to take the bus to school, so that was out of the picture at this point. But the worst part was not being able to afford any food.

This was third day straight day in a row I’d gone without food and it sucked major dick. For a little while the hunger pains had stopped, and I’d managed all right. But then it’d come back with a vengeance and I was left with scouring the trash for food. So far, I hadn’t been too lucky on with my findings.

A loud growl emitted from my stomach. I wrapped my arms around it, trying to snuggle further into my hoodie to escape the cold. I was thankful my parents had been kind enough to at least let me grab it while kicking me to the curb.

Tears came to my eyes at the thought of my parents. They’d always been nice enough to me. My mom had always been a bit critical of my every move but my dad had been pretty relaxed about most things. But this was apparently too much for even him. It hurt that they treated it like I had any choice in the matter. It was just who I was. They just… couldn’t accept me for that. “Hey… you okay?”

I looked up, snapped out of my thoughts by the sudden appearance of a voice. Standing above me was a brunette male with brown eyes. He was dressed in a light green shirt, brown pants, brown coat, and held a suitcase. He seemed to be looking at me with concern.

I scrambled to stand up, immediately regretting the quick movements as I found myself becoming light headed. “Whoa, slow down!” the man said, catching me with his free arm before I could fall over. “Are you okay?”

I steadied myself and sat down, looking up at the man with caution. “Yea… thanks… I’m fine.”

The man scanned me up and down, suddenly making me feel quite uncomfortable. Instinctively, I lifted and crossed my arms over my chest, trying with all my might to make it appear flatter than my binding was already was. My stomach let out another growl.

Cocking an eyebrow, the man stared. I looked away, fidgeting slightly. “I… I’m fine, really…” I said.

“Mm-hm…” the man hummed, suddenly holding a hand out. “Come on, let’s go get something to eat. My treat.”

I looked at him with surprised, unsure of how to respond. My stomach leaped for joy at the idea of finally getting food. But all of my instincts told me not to go with the stranger. “Th-that’s really alright… you don’t-“

“No, I insist,” the man said, smiling gently and still holding his hand out for me. “You look like you could use it. And besides… I-uh… I could use the company as well.”

I stared at him, something inside of me saying that I could trust him. That thing was probably my stomach, but I really didn’t feel like I could argue with it anymore. I slowly nodded and took his hand. Shakily, I stood up and the two of us walked to the nearest restaurant, which just happened to be the McDonald's that had told me I was too young to work there.

“I already told you!” the employee at the register said upon seeing me enter. “You’re too young to work here! Now scram and go back home already!”

I shifted uncomfortably as the man glanced between the employee and I. The employee, who couldn’t be any older that seventeen, wore a name tag that read Seth. He was lanky and acne ridden. In our brief interactions, he had reminded me a lot of the douchebags from school that were always on my case. Not a great start.

“Now is that any way to talk to a paying customer?” the man asked, taking me by surprise.

Seth scoffed, looking at the man with amusement. “Paying customer? Does a paying customer search the trash for cold fries?”

I looked at the ground, my face heating up. What a dick. Like my pride hadn’t been hurt enough by being caught in the act. Did he really have to bring it up like that?

The man slung his arm around my shoulder and gave me a quick half hug. I looked up at him in surprise. “When the customer services is this unfriendly, then it wouldn’t surprise me,” he said before looking down at me with a smile. “Come on, let’s take our patronage somewhere friendlier.”

Seth shrugged, obviously not caring too much about the lost business, as the man led me out. We spent an awkwardly quite few minutes walking to wherever the man thought a suitable place to eat. After about five minutes, we came to a stop. “This look good?”

I looked up and found myself face to face with the fanciest restaurant I’d ever seen. My parents had been fairly frugal so the rare times we ate out it had never gotten any fancier than a night at the Spaghetti Factory. My eyes must’ve been as wide as saucers by the way the man laughed at my reaction. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

I quickly dug my feet into the pavement to stop him from dragging me into the larger than life restaurant. “I-I’m sorry but I can’t let you take me in there… it’s way too much!”

“Oh kiddo, don’t worry about the cost,” he smiled, setting his suitcase down and pulling a wallet out of his pocket. He pulled a plastic card out and flashed it, his smile growing. “It’s on my ex.”

“Y-you stole that from you ex?”

He rolled his eyes and laughed. “Stole? No. Didn’t leave it when I walked out on him? Maybe.”

I blinked. “Him? As in… another man?”

The man slowly nodded, letting me take in the news. My head was spinning as I tried to understand the situation. I had spent the last three days hungry and alone because I’d come out to my parents as transgender. Now I was being offered a fancy dinner with the equivalent to stolen money by a man who’d just broken up with his boyfriend. Maybe my mom had been right when she’d said I was headed down a path of crime and debauchery.

“We can eat somewhere else if you’re not comfortable with this place. Just figured I’d offer since the cash flow hasn’t been cut off yet.”

I blinked again, still trying to comprehend what was going on. “I-uh… yea… somewhere else.”

The man nodded, a cautious expression on his face. “You okay kid? Sorry if I made you uncomfortable… I just figured you’d be understand what with…” he glanced towards my chest and back up at me, an awkward smile appearing on his face. “…Well, you know.”

I felt my face heat back up, quickly covering my chest with my arms. How had he known? Was it really that obvious? Despite all my best efforts, was I still undoubtedly female to all those around me? “Hey, hey! Relax! It’s okay!” he said, alerting me to the fact I’d begun hyperventilating. “Deep breaths, in and out.”

Picking up his suitcase, he grabbed my hand and led me to the nearest bench. He gently rubbed my back and talked me down. Slowly, I regained control of my breathing and looked at the man, a feeling of panic still in my chest. This man, who’d just met me, was being so incredibly kind. I didn’t understand it. But more so, I didn’t understand how he’d known.

“H-how… how’d you know?”  I whispered.

“Know about what?” I fidgeted nervously. “Oh, that. Well when I caught you before I felt the binding.”

I looked at the pavement. It made perfect sense. I’d freaked out over nothing. I felt so embarrassed. I small, “Oh,” escaped me.

Suddenly I felt a pair of arms wrap around me, pulling me closer to the man. I looked up in surprise but quickly hugged him back. I felt myself beginning to crumble. This was the first person to ever show me any kindness while knowing about how I truly felt about myself. Tears trickled down my face as I trembled. “I-I’m sorry…” I managed to get out. “I-it’s just… it’s- it’s been really… I just…”

 “It’s okay,” he whispered, gently stroking my back. “I get it. I’ve been there.”

The gates opened, allowing a stream of tears to fall down my face as a few sobs escaped.  “I just- my parents!” I babbled, the man continuing to comfort and validate me as I recounted the struggles of the last few days.

Eventually I cried myself out and pulled away, wiping my eyes. “I-I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now… nobody’ll hire me… a-and I don’t have anywhere to go… a-and-”

“Hey, listen to me,” the man said. “Everything is going to be alright. You’re going to be okay. It was so incredibly brave of you to come out to your parents and they can go fuck themselves if they don’t accept you for you. They’re missing out on truly getting to know their son and getting to see you grow into the wonderful man you’re going to be.”

My lips trembled, tears building up and threatening to pour out again. I hugged the man, burying my face in his shirt. “Th-thank you…” I whispered, grasping tighter to his jacket as he hugged me back.

We sat in silence, pulling apart when I managed to recompose myself. The man looked down at me with a friendly and caring smile. “Feeling better?”

“Y-yea, a bit. Thank you…”

He nodded, standing up and offering his hand again. “You want to go get some food now? I bet it’d help you feel even better.”

I nodded, wiping my eyes with my sleeves and taking his hand. “Maybe not the super fancy place though? I don’t feel right letting you spend that much on me, even if it’s your ex’s money.”

A slight pout appeared but quickly faded as he shrugged. “Fine, dinner is still on Marvin though. It’s the least that asshole can do right now.”

“Okay...” I said, following as he began leading me around town again. “Thank you again… for everything.”

“Don’t worry about it. We have to stick together, after all,” he grinned. “Name’s Whizzer, by the way. What’s yours?”

I paused for a moment. “Matthew…”

“It’s nice to meet you Matthew!”

I smiled, feeling genuinely happy for the first time in months. “You too, Whizzer.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew comforts Whizzer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is much shorter than the first chapter. It takes place a week after the first. The story will kind of jump around in time as I think of moments but at some point I'll try to organize the timeline if it gets too out of wack.

I stared up at the ceiling, feeling grateful for the couch Whizzer was letting me sleep on. It’d been about a week since we’d first met and he’d offered to let me stay with him while I tried to figure things out.

Whizzer was great. He hardly ever left me alone but that was okay, I really appreciated the company and emotional support he offered me. I still couldn’t wrap my head around why he was being so kind to me. I wasn’t used to it. I’d had some pretty good friends in the past but none of them had ever been so selfless and supportive. He’d even gone so far as to get me some new clothes and help me make my way to school each day. Granted, the clothes had been funded by his ex, Marvin, but I was eternally grateful nonetheless.

I glanced towards the clock on the wall and sighed. It was a little past one in the morning. I’d been lying for a good three hours trying to fall asleep but it didn’t seem to be happening any time soon. I sat up and looked around. Despite Whizzer having told me to make myself at home, I still didn’t feel comfortable with walking around and getting into anything when he was up to approve.

Readjusting myself, I stood up and walked towards the small balcony on the other side of the room. I slid the door open and shivered at the slight breeze. It was cold but comforting somehow. I stepped out quietly closed the door, leaning against the wall and looking out and over the horizon. It never disappointed, the lights twinkling in the distance illuminating the hopes and dreams of everyone in the city. Too bad illuminating didn’t make them truer, just more desirable.

I jumped, startled by the sound of the door opening behind me. Looking back, I saw Whizzer looking out at me. It was hard to tell for sure in the poor lighting, but his eyes looked red and puffy. “You alright out here?” he asked before I could say anything about it.

“Yea,” I nodded. “Just couldn’t sleep… what about you? Are you okay?”

A forced smile appeared on his face as he nodded. He may not have been willing to admit it, but I could tell he’d been taking this breakup with Marvin hard. I didn’t know all the details, but it seemed like Whizzer had really loved this guy, even if he wouldn’t admit it. I’d begun wondering if his slightly clingy nature towards me was maybe a way to cope or distract himself. “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.”

I looked at Whizzer for a moment before stepping forward and giving him a hug. He stood, frozen for a moment before hugging me back. “I know we haven’t known each other very long but… you’ve done so much for me already,” I said. “If you ever need or want to talk about something, I’m all ears.”

Whizzer pulled out of the hug and knelt, making it so we were at eye level. “Thank you Matty,” he said, using the nickname he’d made for me. “It’s nothing you need to worry about though. Just missing the old ball and chain like to stupid fool I am.”

I stared at Whizzer, know his sentiment all too well. Despite having no experience in relationships, I had a good idea how he felt. He missed someone who he’d thought to have loved and loved him in return. I missed my parents who I’d thought had loved me to some capacity. We were a couple of rejects at our finest. “You’re not stupid or a fool…” I said. “You just… you’re apart from someone really special to you and that’s hard to get used to…”

Whizzer laughed, wiping his eyes and standing back up. “Only thirteen and already wiser than any adult I’ve ever met,” he teased.

I laughed and shrugged. “It’s what I do,” I smiled.

Chuckling, Whizzer stepped back inside and motioned for me to come in. “Sure thing kiddo, now get in here before you catch a cold. Doesn’t seem like either of us are falling asleep anytime soon, so let’s pop some popcorn and start up a movie.”

I grinned, walking in and shutting the door. Movie nights were becoming a regular thing for Whizzer and I. It helped that before Marvin had had time to cut off the card that Whizzer had bought a small television, Betamax player and bunch of Betamax tapes. I felt a little bad for Marvin, what with all of the money Whizzer had spent in the last week. But it was obvious how much Marvin had hurt Whizzer so I also didn’t too much sympathy towards the mysterious ex-lover.

“What movie are you thinking?”

“Why don’t you pick this time? Just make sure it’s a good pick for the heart broken and dejected.”

“Obviously,” I grinned, walking over to the pile of tapes as Whizzer walked to the kitchen.

I knew exactly what to pick. A tragic love story of a misfit and older woman. It was my absolute favorite movie and I couldn’t see anything ever topping it. It was a shame it hadn’t gotten the recognition it deserved. I pulled the tape out and smiled. _Harold and Maude_.

Standing up I walked over to the kitchen and held up the tape for Whizzer to see. He grinned and nodded with approval. “Perfect.”

I smiled, happy that Whizzer had found and taken me in. I couldn’t be sure how long he be willing or able to have me around, but I already felt like he was the best friend I’d ever had and would ever have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly though, Harold and Maude is an underappreciated gem. It's the ultimate outcast love/coming of age story.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Whizzer is the best Dad one could ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started out as emotional but quickly turned into the fluff that I needed after finishing finals. So enjoy that. Also, this takes place about a seven-eight months after chapter 1

 A long drawn out sigh left Whizzer, the two of seated in the front seats of his car. I stared at the dashboard, slumped as far down as I could get in the seat. My cheek throbbed lightly, a bruise most likely forming. “Can we please talk about this?” Whizzer asked, parking in the lot of our apartment complex and turning off the car.

I glanced towards Whizzer, looking away immediately when I saw how tense he was. “He was being an asshole, so I shut him up.” I said dryly. “There’s not much to talk about…”

This was second time this month I’d been stupid enough to get into a fight on school grounds and Whizzer had been called to pick me up early. I’d ended up with an out of school suspension and the other guy had ended up with a stern talking to. It was complete bullshit, not that that mattered to anyone but me.

Nobody ever cared **why** I got into these fights. All that mattered to the teachers was that I, an already established outsider, had been involved. And Whizzer, though supportive, was always saying how fighting wasn’t the answer. But what am I supposed to do when some asshole is harassing me over how I, “need to start acting like the other girls,” and starts insulting my home life?

“I’d say there’s a lot to talk about,” Whizzer said, a tinge of frustration breaking through the patient tone he always seemed to have during these conversations. “You can’t just go around getting in fights every time someone offends you.”

I crossed my arms, looking out the window angrily. “I don’t though,” I said bitterly, remembering all the rude and cruel comments I’d let slide over the years. “I just… I’m getting really sick of it is all. And this guy took it way too far.”

“I get it, Matty. I really do,” Whizzer said, lightly grabbing my shoulder. I quickly moved away, feeling bad almost immediately. “…Look, I know it’s hard. But that doesn’t mean you need to lash out whenever some idiot kid makes a comment.”

“What about when adults make comments?” I asked.

Students weren’t the only ones I faced judgement from. My parents had made plenty of comments before kicking me out. Even after switching schools, most of the teachers looked at me as if there were something wrong. And the principal was always quick to blame me for whatever trouble I was involved in. It was only natural that the rumors would get to the staff eventually.

“What about when people just keep pushing and pushing? What then?” I asked, turning to look at Whizzer when he didn’t respond. “Am I supposed to just sit and take it while everyone makes me feel like shit just because I’m different?”

Whizzer looked at me with a sadly, seeming to be searching for what to say. “Just because adults are older doesn’t mean they’re any smarter,” he said. “And unfortunately, that means you’ll more than likely have to deal with assholes and shitty comments for the rest of your life. But that doesn’t mean you should go around physically fighting every one of them.”

“Gee, that’s encouraging,” I said, my tone bitter.

“Hey now, I wasn’t finished,” Whizzer smiled. “You shouldn’t go around physically fighting all of the assholes but there’s certainly something to be said about standing up for yourself. Freedom of speech is always on your side.”

“What if nobody listens to me though?”

“I’ll always be on your side. But no principal, or judge for that matter, is going to listen to me if I’m endorsing you getting into fights,” Whizzer laughed. I looked at him, still unconvinced. “And just think about this. The older you get, the more people you’ll find that will love and support you for who you are.”

I looked down and played with my hands. “How can you be so sure of that though?” I asked.

I felt so alone. I had Whizzer and he was great but there wasn’t really anybody else in my life. Nobody my own age who understood or seemed to want to understand what I was going through. There were plenty of rumors floating around, most of them having been started in part by those I used to consider friends. I hadn’t had a ton of friends to begin with but now… the students who didn’t openly antagonize generally avoided me.

I wasn’t entirely trusting of anyone other than Whizzer though, so maybe it was partially my fault. There were a few students who’d tried to talk to me a bit when I’d first gotten there but I hadn’t been too enthusiastic about confirming or denying anything to them. One guy would stand up for me if he was around when people started harassing me and the two of had started hanging out a bit but then he and his family had moved. So I was back to being on my own.

“Because I know you,” Whizzer said. “And I know you’re a great guy who anybody would be lucky to know. You’ve just had the rotten luck of knowing a lot of shitty people.”

“If you say so…” I muttered.

Whizzer we sat in silence for a few moments.  “You know what you need right now?” Whizzer asked.

“No…” I said, looking and seeing that Whizzer now had a big grin on his face. “What?”

“A dog.”

I looked at Whizzer with confusion. He’d been talking about getting a dog a lot lately but had still been on the fence the last time he’d mentioned it. But this seemed like a really far stretching reason to justify the choice. “What? How would-”

“No, no, hear me out on this!” Whizzer said, practically bouncing with each word. “A dog loves you no matter what. You need that level of unwavering adoration! And since you’ve been suspended that gives all the more time to help take care of it!”

“But I’ve only been suspended for a few days…”

“I start work later than you start school. It’ll be fine on its own for a couple hours each day!”

“Whizzer I don’t think-“

“And it’ll be there to greet you when you get done at school!”

I could almost see stars appearing in Whizzer’s eyes as he gushed about all of the benefits getting a puppy would have. I had some reservation on the idea, but I also didn’t want to kill his excitement after already getting suspended and making him pick me up.  It did sound nice to have a companion of sorts. Someone to play with and keep me company, especially for when Whizzer was busy.  And the idea of a creature that would love unconditionally was appealing. “But we don’t have a yard…” I said, figuring I should voice the last of my concerns.

“That’s what the dog park is for!” Whizzer chirped happily.

“I-uh… I suppose it would be nice… if you’re absolutely sure…”

Whizzer’s grin widened as he turned the car back on. All the way to the pet store we talked about what kind of dog we wanted. I was cool with whatever breed as long as the dog was friendly. Whizzer had his heart set on some sort of cute lap dog, pure breed if at all possible. Because, in his words, “Breeding shows.”

Soon enough we’d parked and were looking at the different dogs. “What about this one?” Whizzer gushed, pointing at snooty looking fluffball of a dog.

I walked over only to have it immediately start growling at me. “Maybe not…” I said as the dog turned away from me and began staring up at Whizzer with puppy dog eyes.

“Oh but just look at him,” Whizzer said.

I took another step closer and was greeted with another growl. I turned to Whizzer with a deadpan stare. “I guess not everyone is immediately irresistible like myself,” he shrugged.

Rolling my eyes, I began looking around some more. After a bit more searching around I found a kennel of Benji-esque puppies and their mom. All of the puppies were crowded around their mother, happily feeding. After a few seconds I noticed what was in the next kennel. A single, almost identical puppy was laying alone, peacefully resting. “Hey, what’s up with this one?” I asked, spotting a worker.

“Oh, the mom rejected him,” the worker said. “Poor little fella is the runt of the litter too.”

I looked back into the kennel and saw the lone puppy had woken up. “Hey there,” I smiled, waving as he walked up to me.

I looked at him and saw a kindred spirit of sorts. Both of us were parentless by rejection, outcasts by nature. Small and alone, waiting for someone to come by who might care for us. I had found that in Whizzer though. Maybe I could return the favor to this puppy. I looked towards the worker. “Can I hold him?”

“Sure,” the worker said, smiling as she opened the kennel and picked the puppy up.

Within seconds I had a warm, trembling puppy in my hands. I looked down just in time to receive a wet and slobbery kiss. Grinning, I returned the favor and place a soft kiss on the top of his head. “I think we’ve found a match!”

I looked and saw that Whizzer had walked up and was looking at the two of us with a big grin. “You sure?” I asked, holding the puppy close. “He doesn’t look like the cutesy pure breed you were describing.”

“Absolutely, I don’t want my dog being more fashionable then me,” Whizzer said, his expression no completely serious. “Besides, I’d feel too guilty breaking you two apart. Of all the Hallmark moments I’ve seen, this is definitely the cutest.”

 “Gross,” I laughed as the puppy yipped excitedly. “But honestly, I think I’m in love with this little guy.”

“Aw, first loves are always the best. Especially when it starts out as puppy love!” Whizzer smiled, holding his hands out to hold the puppy. I rolled my eyes and handed the puppy over. “Oh, you are just the cutest thing! Only thing that’s left is what you’re name should be…”

“Oh that’s easy,” I said, Whizzer taking his eyes off the puppy to look at me with curiosity. “Reggie.”

“Reggie?”

“Yea, in a world of rejects he stands tall, proudly owning his past,” I said, earning an approving nod. “Plus, ya know, he kinda looks like Benji.”

“Fair enough,” Whizzer laughed, holding up Reggie. “Welcome to the family Reggie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno, I just really like the idea of Whizzer really wanting a dog and justifying it as the way to solve problems. Also, Whizzer should really get parent of the year. How do you punish your kid for fighting? Get that kid a puppy! Kids love puppies!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Whizzer and Matthew go to THE baseball game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to say thank you to everyone who's been reviewing and leaving kuddos. It's one thing for writing this to help me out with coming to terms with myself but to know that even one person gets enjoyment out this story makes me so incredibly happy and feel less silly for posting my self-indulgent coping. So thank you guys, it really means the world to me :)

Hot, loud, and anxiety ridden. That’s the only way I could describe this day trip to the ball park. Reggie had been lucky enough to stay home, both Whizzer and I having agreed that his inability to distinguish between what balls should and shouldn’t be chased after was a recipe for disaster at a little league game. I wished I’d stayed behind with him though, just being around a baseball brought back shudder inducing memories. Here I was though, walking with Whizzer from the parking lot to the stands.

I owed everything to Whizzer, so I wasn’t going to ditch him, especially on this. The kid of his ex had invited him to the game which meant it was more than likely his ex would be there as well and it was clear how nervous the idea of that interaction made Whizzer feel. But I still wasn’t a fan of being at the ball park in the first place, much less the idea of sitting there all day to watch a bunch of kids who weren’t athletically inclined try to play baseball.

Not even knowing the guy, I felt a strong sense of disdain towards Marvin. And it wasn’t the usual disdain I felt towards the guys Whizzer would bring home. Those guys were usually there and gone within a few weeks at most. And despite me not liking the change in our dynamic I was always sure that it’d go back to normal soon enough. But Marvin… he’d caused Whizzer a great deal of pain and hardship that had taken him so long to get over. I was terrified of it happening again. I wasn’t going to just stand by and let it happen.

In the two years we’d known each other, I’d come to see Whizzer as not only my best friend, but almost as a pseudo father figure as well. I would never openly admit it because though I know it’d mean the world for him to hear it I also know he’d never let it go and would tease me endlessly for it. He already teased me far too much as it was.

“And here we go…” Whizzer murmured, making me look up from the pebble I was kicking. “That him…”

I strained to see. There was, what looked to be, a group sitting and cheering the batter on. Three women and two men. “Which on is he?”

“The one up top.”

“The guy in the hoodie?” I asked.

Whizzer nodded and sighed while I stared, trying to size him up. Honestly, I was surprised this was what the mysterious Marvin looked like. After two years of hearing about him I’d built him up in my mind to look a lot more… douchy. This guy though, he had such a sad demeanor and honestly just looked bored out of his mind. I knew better though. I knew everything he’d done to Whizzer. He was a psychotic maniac. I wouldn’t let him hurt Whizzer again.

We walked up, immediately catching the attention of Marvin and the others in the group. Marvin paled, it was as if he had seen a ghost. A looked at us with a sour expression and immediately asked, “What are you doing here?”

Whizzed flashed a friendly smile. “Trina. Jason asked me to come. Since he asked me to come, I came,” he said.

Trina nodded and turned to who I assumed to be her husband. The two murmured back and forth as Whizzer shook hands with the other two women who appeared to be quite invested in what seemed to be a decidedly lost game by the home team. Trina sent Whizzer another quick glance towards Whizzer and he sighed. “I love baseball. I love Jason. That’s what I’m doing here.”

Trina seemed to finally accept this answer and turned her attention to me. “Hello… did you come here with Whizzer?”

I forced a small smile and nodded as Whizzer clapped his hand on my shoulder. “Everyone, this is Matthew,” he said, his tone less defensive and more friendly now as he began pointing at each person. “Matthew, this is Trina, Mendle, Charlotte, Cordelia, and Marvin.”

“Whizzer,” Marvin said, nodding in his direction.

Whizzer nodded back, a slightly forced smile now on his face. “Nice to meet you,” Mendle smiled, extending his hand.

 “You too,” I said as I shook it and sat down, Whizzer sitting next to me which put him directly in front of Marvin.

“So how do you two know each other?” Mendle asked.

“Oh Matthew here,” Whizzer said, my stomach immediately dropping at the sound of his overly sweet tone. “Is my new boyfriend.”

I felt my face heat up as everyone stopped cheering and hollering towards Jason. I wanted to shrink away from their stares of shock and disbelief. That ass with his tone so proud and unwavering. He knew I hated attention and that statement was a one way ticket to attention. I could almost feel the daggers Marvin was glaring into my back. “Y-you’re kidding!” Trina asked, staring directly at me with shock and horror on her face. “…Right?

“You don’t even look all that much older than Jason…” Marvin muttered, a tinge of jealousy mixed into the shock in his voice.

“Just how old are you?” Charlotte asked, quickly glancing from me to Whizzer to Marvin and then right back to me again.

I turned and glared at Whizzer. He looked back with an innocent smile. He was going to make me talk myself out of this one. He’d been on a kick lately of trying to get me to talk to people I didn’t know more. He’d said something about me needing to be more sociable. But it wasn’t my fault that as I’d gotten older I’d become slightly less outgoing.

“H-he’s joking,” I muttered, making everyone sigh a breath of relief. “I’m fifteen… it’s more of a… guardianship situation…”

“Guardian?” Mendle asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“Yea, I’m basically his guardian angel,” Whizzer said, his tone sickeningly sweet.

“Angel?” I snorted, unable to hold back my laughter.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Whizzer questioned, feigning offense as he placed his hand over his chest. “I’m absolutely an angel.”

I stared, straight faced. “If angels are prone to finishing off food and then putting the empty containers back for me to find then sure, I guess so.”

Marvin chuckled, earning an annoyed glance from Whizzer. He must have suffered the same heart break of grabbing something out of the fridge or cupboards only to discover the contents being non-existent. A truly heartbreaking experience indeed. “Someone’s bitter,” Whizzer quipped.

“As bitter as my coffee this morning,” I sighed, sadly remembering the empty carton of milk I’d found in the fridge and empty container of sugar in the cupboard.

“I like him,” Cordelia said, laughing at the back and forth Whizzer and I so often shared.

Whizzer, most likely wanting to escape the persecution I was putting him through, turned his attention towards who I could only assume was Jason. Standing up, he walked over and gave him a few pointers on how to improve his stance and hit the ball.

It was funny, seeing Whizzer try to pass on his sports related knowledge to Jason. It reminded me when he had tried to peak my interest in baseball. But with how clumsy I am, it had, of course, ended disastrously. A concussion and lifetime long swearing off ever playing baseball again had been the end of that experience. But hopefully this teaching attempt would end better for Whizzer, lest he suffer the wrath of Jason’s parents. Trina seemed especially willing to unleash a storm of anger and motherly wrath down upon Jason.

“So how long have you and Whizzer been in this… situation?” Marvin asked.

I looked back, feeling uncomfortable and unsure of how to answer. The easiest thing to do would be to just answer the question but that would, more than likely, lead to more questions and I didn’t exactly feel comfortable with where all those questions might lead.

The chances of it turning into how and why the guardianship came about was strong and I didn’t particularly like admitting that I wasn’t biologically male. As soon as I outed myself most people tended to look at me differently. I couldn’t be sure that would happen here with these people, who also had to deal with societal judgement for their identity, but I was still scared to say anything. But surly silence would lead to more questions as well.

“About two years,” I said.

Marvin furrowed his brows and nodded, most likely realizing this to be the same amount of time since their break up. “Really? He never mentioned anything about-“

“You’ve got this Jason!” Whizzer shouted, drawing Marvin’s attention away from me.

I breathed a sigh of relief and turned back to see if Jason might gain more from Whizzer’s teachings than I had. Whizzer jogged over to us and smiled, giving a thumbs up. I smiled back and hoped against hope that we might end this game without any more awkward exchanges. “Come on Jason!” Charlotte and Cordelia both cheered as Trina and Mendle hooted and hollered for the boy stepping up to bat.

I watched, actually feeling a bit nervous for the kid. I remembered the pain a ball to the head caused and it wasn’t something I’d wish on anyone. We all held our breath watching as the pitcher wound up to throw. It was doubtful he’d hit it but… anything’s possible. _CRACK!_

We all stared in shock for a few moments before shouting, “Run!”

I turned to look at Whizzer but found that he and Marvin were no longer sitting with up. I stood up and walked around and quickly found that they’d relocated to behind the bleachers. My stomach dropped as I took in the sight. Apparently in the short time between Whizzer getting back to us and Jason hitting the ball they’d apparently rekindled enough of their feelings to begin kissing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also final grades are in and I passed with a 3.8 gpa for the quarter! Two more quarters and I've graduated college. Crazy stuff but I celebrated with Disaster Artist (which is fantastic btw!), pizza, and writing another chapter.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew and Marvin have a talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the things that I love the most about Falsettos is the character change Marvin goes through between Act 1 and Act 2. He goes from, "I want it all," to "all I want is you." If that's not growth, then I don't know what is.

I sat on a bench, taking in the gentle breeze and staring at an empty set of swings. Whizzer and Marvin had been “officially” back together for a couple weeks now. Having seen them kiss at the ball game, I’d known before Whizzer had said anything. He hadn’t known since I’d managed to walk away before them seeing me. I’d just hoped with all my might that it’d been a onetime thing and not said anything. But, little by little, he had spent more time out without me. I’d managed to live in denial for a bit, telling myself that he was hopefully seeing someone else.

But Whizzer had eventually broken the news to me and I hadn’t been happy about it. I’d made that very clear, having voiced all of my concerns about Marvin hurting him again. But Whizzer had assured me that they were taking it slower this day and that Marvin had seemed to have grown up a lot in the two years they’d been apart. My worries weren’t quelled at all though.

I felt nothing but distrust and insecurity towards Marvin. I knew deep down that Marvin was still the same person that had hurt Whizzer and I didn’t want to give him the chance to do so again. But even deeper down I felt an unending amount of fear that Whizzer would no longer need or want me around with Marvin back in the picture. I’d been there to keep him company when he was getting over Marvin and despite how close we’d become, I still didn’t see why he let me stay around in the first place.

I was a fuckup, plain and simple. With Whizzer’s help, I’d stopped getting into fights at school, but I’d replaced that with plenty of other school troubles to replace it. I’d stopped paying attention in class and as such my grades had begun to really suffer. But that was nothing compared to how much I skipped out on class, not that Whizzer actually knew about that part.

I’d managed to intercept all the calls and letters the school had sent about my poor attendance leading to an inability to pass this year. I didn’t give a shit if I even graduated anymore. I just couldn’t handle all of the assholes at school anymore. I knew Whizzer would find out eventually and I’d be in for the talk of a lifetime.

I was terrified about when Whizzer found out. I knew that the longer I kept this up, the worse his reaction would be. But I’d already kept it up for so long that it didn’t seem like there was any turning back at this point. I’d dug my grave, might as well live it up while I could. I already figured that one day Whizzer would come home with Marvin and they would both kick me to the curb. My biological parents had already done it to me, why should Whizzer be any different in the end?

“Matthew?”

Fuck. I glanced in the direction of the voice around and noticed Marvin jogging toward me. Doubly fuck. He’d definitely rat me out to Whizzer for skipping school. And finding out about this skip day would inevitably lead to finding out about all of the others. This was how it ended for me.

I felt my anxiety immediately spike up. I couldn’t have all of this come crashing down on me yet. I wasn’t ready to see the disappointment and frustration on Whizzer’s face. I wasn’t prepared to end up back on the streets again. I wasn’t ready for Marvin to win.

I looked down, hoping that if I didn’t respond Marvin might think he’d mistaken someone else for me. But it was no such luck as he walked up and sat beside me. I felt like throwing up then and there.

“Didn’t expect to see you here,” Marvin said awkwardly, not eliciting a response from me. “Lovely day out. Hey um… shouldn’t you be in school?”

I looked up and over at him, sighing. “What’s it to you?” I asked, giving Marvin the usual standoffish attitude I held around him.

Marvin shifted, chuckling uncomfortably. “Just a concerned adult,” he said, obviously trying to break the tension.

I rolled my eyes. Concerned adult, sure. The only adult who’d ever show genuine care or concern towards me in my teenage years was Whizzer. Everyone else had given up on me or thought I was a lost cause in the first place. If that many adults felt that way, it was probably true.

“I’m not going to tell Whizzer,” Marvin continued, catching my attention. “Everyone deserves one day of playing hooky in high school. But before I leave you to enjoy the rest of your day off I need to impart you with a piece of advice. A good education is important, you know? Don’t take it for granted”

I shifted uncomfortably watching carefully as Marvin smiled at me and stood up. I felt the need to say something. I couldn’t just leave it like this. “W-wait…” I said, taking him by surprise. “Why are you being so nice to me?” I asked.

A surprised expression crossed Marvin’s face as he sat back down. “Why wouldn’t I be? You’ve done so much for Whizzer. He absolutely adores you,” he said, making feel even worse about skipping classes. “I should know, he never shuts up about it. Er… don’t tell him I said that. He’d kill me for it.”

It was nice to know that Whizzer talked about me in such a kind way when I wasn’t around. It didn’t fully kill my fears and insecurities, but it gave me some sort of hope he might not give up on me completely. But I was still wasn’t completely sold on Marvin’s kindness. I’d been so standoffish towards him. Why should he try to get along with me just because Whizzer spoke kindly of me? Whizzer did the same towards Marvin with me now but that hadn’t made me try any harder with him. “I still don’t get it… just because Whizzer likes me doesn’t mean you have to…”

A sad yet understanding smile formed on Marvin’s lips. “It kind of does. You make Whizzer happy and seeing him so happy makes me happy in return,” he said, making me think. “You may not realize it, but Whizzer is much happier with you around than he ever was without.”

I stared at the ground, now feeling terrible about the all the shit I put Whizzer through with school and my insecurities. I was an idiot. He’d always been so kind and patient with me yet I still never let him fully in. I was always so scared of him turning out like my parents that I never stopped to remember that he wasn’t them. Time and time again he’d prover to so much more compassionate and understanding than them but I’d always listened to the little voice in my that kept telling me the kindness would fade over time as he really got to know me. But now Whizzer knew me better than anyone and he still treated me with as much kindness as he had the day we’d first me, if not more. And Marvin had a point, if someone made Whizzer happy, as Marvin seemed to be doing, that should make me happy.

“I-uh… I’m really sorry for how I’ve been treating you these past few weeks…” I said. “I just… I dunno… there’s no excuse for it, really…”

“Don’t worry about it. I… I’ve participated in my fair share of pushing people away…” Marvin said, awkwardly waving his hand around as if to wave off any hard feelings. “And I’m sure Whizzer didn’t have the kindest things to say about me for the past two years… I’d probably have done the same if I were in your position.”

I nodded slowly, surprised with how open Marvin was being with me. I still didn’t fully trust him but in this moment, I didn’t completely hate him either. That seemed like a step in the right direction. With time maybe I could even come to get along with him. If nothing else, I’d at least try for Whizzer’s sake. “Thank you… for being so understanding and all… it’s-uh… it’s not often people are that way with me…”

Marvin nodded, his expression turning a bit more uncomfortable now. He looked to be considering what he would say next, as though he were about approach a delicate topic. “On that note… I-uh… I know I don’t know all the details on what happened to start the living situation you and Whizzer have but he’s mentioned that you’ve had a challenging time with… acceptance in the past…”

“O-oh… what all did he say?” I asked, suddenly feeling incredibly uncomfortable. “What all did he say?”

“He didn’t go into much detail, just that your parents didn’t weren’t supportive of some changes happening in your life and that a lot of others were the same way. He didn’t say what the changes were so I can only guess…”

I fidgeted, feeling unsure of what say. I didn’t really want to reveal that side of myself to Marvin, not at this point at least. People at school hadn’t known by my choice. But when Whizzer had eventually given in and helped me switch schools it had been in the middle of the year and there had been students who’d know from my previous school. So it’d been impossible to escape the rumors. I hadn’t even had a choice in Whizzer finding out. The only people I’d ever personally made the choice to come out to were my parents and that had ended… badly. It just seemed that coming out was bad idea. I’d rather have had people just see me as Matthew anyway, not as a girl trying to be boy.

“I don’t… I…” I stumbled over my words, not wanting to come off as rude after how nice Marvin was being to me.

“It’s okay,” Marvin said, an understanding smile. “If you don’t want to say it, you don’t have to. It’s up to you when or if you want to talk about that stuff with me. But please know, if you ever want to talk then I’m willing to listen.”

“O-okay…” I said, slightly taken aback by the offer. “Thank you…”

Marvin nodded and stood back up. “Anytime, I’ll let you enjoy your skip day now,” he said, waving and starting his jog back up.

“Y-yea… see you later,” I said, suddenly remembering the anxiety of Whizzer finding out.

Marvin had said he would say anything and I believed him. But I’d still skipped a hell of a lot more days than Marvin realized. Whizzer was bound to find out eventually and I knew that the shit would hit the fan at the moment he did. I felt somewhat assured that I wouldn’t be kicked out but I also didn’t see much of a chance of this situation ending with us getting another puppy. With my fear no longer fully focusing on getting kicked out, I felt an immense amount of anxiety over the idea that Whizzer would more than likely go into full on anger mode. I’d only seen that side of Whizzer once and it had been scary. I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yes, there will definitely be a chapter at some point that shows the first time Matthew saw Whizzer really angry.
> 
> On a more personal/venty note, that part about Matthew worrying people will only see him as a girl trying to be a boy is so fucking real for me. A few years ago I came out as gender neutral to a friend. They said they respected how I felt but that they'd always see me "as a beautiful woman." That hurt enough back then. As I've started to realize I identify more on the male side of the spectrum I really do find myself terrified that will happen again. One of my biggest fears/insecurities at the moment is that people who've known me for long enough will never see the real me. It's a shitty feeling to be honest.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew sees Whizzer truly angry for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're jumping back in time for this one, it takes place about a year and a half after chapter one. So about sixish months before the baseball game.

I was bored. Whizzer had been very insistent about going out and doing something for my birthday. I hadn’t thought it was worth it, but he’d kept insisting that fifteen was a big year and that we should celebrate so I’d finally given in and agreed. What I hadn’t had any idea about was what Whizzer wanted to do to celebrate. So, by agreeing I’d also agreed to standing in front of a marquee listing the current plays for a solid twenty minutes while Whizzer tried to decide what we would see.

It wasn’t that I didn’t think seeing a play could be fun, but it seemed like Whizzer was making a way bigger deal than he had to about it. After suggesting seeing a play, he had been appalled to learn I’d never seen anything other than a a school play. To him this didn’t constitute as a real play and he was determined to fix the situation. I would have been just as happy to see a movie but that didn’t seem to be an option at this point.

I’d finally sat down on a nearby bench, Whizzer having gotten excited by the idea of whatever we saw being a surprise to me. I didn’t much care either way, I was just tired of the dress shoes Whizzer had picked out for me pinching my feet. He’d said if we were going to see a play we were going to do it right. We’d gone out for a lunch, gotten new dress clothes, and were now dressed to the nines. Whizzer looked great, he carried himself with a confidence that the most experience of models would envy. Me though… I just felt awkward, uncomfortable, and out of place. The suit was nice and all but, with how well fitted it was, it didn’t do much to hide the curves that had started becoming more pronounced on my body.

I longed desperately for one of my oversized hoodies that Whizzer detested so much. He was nice enough about my choice to wear them, having bought them without too much convincing when he took me out to get new clothes. But I could tell that he hated them. He prioritized fashion above all else. I didn’t feel like I could do that even if I wanted to, not if I wanted people to see me as anything other than female.

I sighed, glancing towards Whizzer as he animatedly talked to the ticket seller, presumably about what were the best plays. The ticket taker didn’t seem to mind though, she seemed extremely eager to gush about different plays. This would go on for a while, long enough for me to at least walk to a nearby market and buy a drink. A simple excursion that would have me back in plenty of time for Whizzer to not even notice I’d gone.

I stood up and walked over to the market, making a beeline for the soda. I quickly grabbed my drink and made my way to the counter to pay, feeling an immediate sense of panic and double taking as I saw who was already paying at register.

It shouldn’t have surprised me so much. The market wasn’t that far from where I’d used to live so it wasn’t completely out of the question my parents would shop there. What really hurt though was that my mother was holding a young baby.

I hadn’t expected them to miss me or anything, seeing as it had been their choice to kick me out in the first place. But I hadn’t thought I’d been quite that easily replaceable to them. I looked away as they turned to leave, hoping they wouldn’t see me as they left. No such luck for me though.

Sending a fleeting glance, I noticed that my father had stopped dead in his tracks and was staring right at me, my mother trying to see what he’d stopped for and catching sight of me as well. Dad looked torn, he’d always been the kinder and more accepting of the two. Mom… she was livid, her grasp visibly tightening on the baby in her arms. I tried to ignore them and stepped forward to place my drink on the counter, flinching at how my mother mover away from with each step I took towards the counter.

I paid for my drink and turned to leave, expecting them to be long gone. Surprisingly, my parents were standing outside, each holding the groceries and baby respectively. I felt uneasy at the idea of going out there. The last time my I’d talked to them they’d been yelling at me about how they never wanted to see me again and had called me an array of derogatory terms and slurs. I really didn’t want to talk to them again. But I also couldn’t stay in the market forever, Whizzer would eventually notice I’d left. I nodded and took a deep breath, making a clear decision.

Exhaling, I walked outside, keeping my eyes forward and walking past my parents as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to acknowledge or talk to them. I didn’t want a scene. I didn’t want Whizzer to know who they were.

“Just as well. I told you she wasn’t worth the time anyway.”

There was my mother, sounding just as judgmental as ever. I had no interest in being yelled at or harassed by her. I got enough of that at school, no need to willingly bring more onto myself. I kept my eyes forward and continued walking, slightly quickening my pace.

“Perdita, wait!”

I froze at the use of my birth name. I hadn’t heard anyone call me that in over a year… not since switching schools at least. I felt anxiety over the use of it, remembering how much I truly hated the sound of it. My parents had always said they’d picked it because of how they’d seen 101 Dalmatians on their first date but to me it always felt far to formal and… pretty.

Even before I’d realized how I identified, I’d always had an aversion to most stereotypically “girly” things, much to my mother’s chagrin. Having such a feminine name had never sat right with me.

“Don’t call me that…” I sighed, turning to face my father.

“But it’s-“ he started.

“No, it’s not,” I said, quickly cutting him off from assigning any ownership of the name to me.

My mother scowled, making me wonder why she even stayed in the first place. If all she was going to do was judge me, what was the point? What was her end game in all of this? She’d gotten me out of her life and replaced my presence with a new baby. She probably figured it was a fresh start. The baby was a blank slate and a way to right whatever she thought she’d messed up along the way with me. My heart went out to it, knowing some of the struggles awaited it in a life with our parents.

The three of us stood in an awkward silence, staring at each other as the baby slept. I wanted to run away and hide from my mother’s piercing, judgmental stare. I wanted to escape whatever my father had to say to me. I wanted with all my heart to just leave the situation. But I knew that to hide at this point meant ditching Whizzer and that wasn’t something I was willing to do.

“You’re um… you’re looking good…” my dad said, obviously wanting to break the tension.

“Thanks…” I said, unsure of what else to say.

It was more than likely he was the reason they’d stayed to talk to me. Despite all the things he’d said that night, he’d always been the more understanding and sympathetic of the two. I couldn’t be sure though.  It’s not like it really mattered though seeing there was no way they would ever want or allow me back into their lives.

It wasn’t even that I wanted to be living with them again. Sure, I felt bad about how much I inconvenienced Whizzer with all the trouble I got in at school and the added financial strain my unemployed presence added to his life. But I also felt a million times happier and at home living with Whizzer than I’d ever felt with my parents. It felt selfish of me, but I’d have picked him over them any day. But nevertheless, I did feel a longing for their approval… or at least a sense of acceptance from them. I knew I’d more than likely never get it, but I couldn’t help wanting it.

“Matty! There you are! I was getting worried when I couldn’t find you!”

Looking back, I spotted Whizzer walking up to us. I felt my entire body tense up, immediately wish I could disappear from the situation. This couldn’t end well. Much like my mother, Whizzer was never one to hold his opinions and vies back. And, suffice to say, he had a lot of opinions about what they’d done to me. And I could only assume all the views my mother would have about Whizzer.

“Oh, hello,” Whizzer greeted my parents as he reached us. “Do you know Matthew?”

“Matthew?” my mother scowled, looking at me. “Is that what you’re calling yourself these days? And who’s this? Oh… I see… so this is how you can afford these clothes.”

I glanced and saw Whizzer looking at my mother with shock and confusion. My father and I stood uncomfortably, both of us looking to want no part of the interaction that seemed to be approaching. “Excuse me? And what’s that supposed to mean?” Whizzer questioned.

“Whizzer please, it’s really-“ I started, only for Whizzer to quickly cut me off.

“No, what are you insinuating mam?” Whizzer continued, making my anxiety to the situation worsen.

“I think you know fully well what I’m referring to,” my mother sneered. “You do realize how young she is, right? And to refer to her like she’s actually male while doing so? Absolutely disgusting."

Whizzer stared at her, looking flustered. “Look lady, I don’t know who you think you are but-“

“Who I am bears no significance to you,” my mother said before turning to me. “We were right to kick you out when we did. I can only imagine what sort of influence your choice of lifestyle would have on the baby. Absolutely disgraceful.”

I looked at the ground, just wanting everything to end. It already hurt enough when I came out, I didn’t need to hear it all again. I didn’t need to reopen old wounds. I didn’t need to think about how much she hated me for who I was. I didn’t need to know how easily they’d replaced me.

“You are, beyond a doubt, the biggest bitch I’ve ever met,” Whizzer said after a few moments, taking us all by surprise.

“How dare y-“

“No,” Whizzer said. “You had an amazing and loving son who you hurt more than you’ll ever know. And yet you still feel the need to beat him down any chance you get just because he’s not your ideal version of himself. You are the worst kind of person.”

“You can’t-“

“And you’re no better,” Whizzer said, turning his angry gaze to my dad. “It’s clear you aren’t the driving force in this treatment but you’re enabling and, worse yet, supporting it. You couldn’t stand up for your son when he needed you most. That’s sick. I feel bad for that baby, because it’s certainly not going to have a happy life with the two of you as parents.”

“Now wait just a minute!” my mother screeched, handing the baby to my now shaken father and walking towards Whizzer.

“K-Karen, wait!” my father said, only to go silent from the glare my mother shot back at him.

“You have no right to judge our parenting! You didn’t spend thirteen years raising a daughter only for them to pick up disgusting ideas and become a perverted faggot.”

My eyes widened Whizzer tensed up and clenched his fists. “Excuse me?” he asked, losing the control he had seemed to have over his tone.  “What did you just call him?”

“You heard me,” my mother spat.

I lightly grabbed Whizzer’s arm, hoping to diffuse the situation before it could get any worse. His attention quickly snapped over to me, making me flinch from how angry he looked. I’d never seen him like this. He usually had such amazing composure. But now… he looked ready to kill someone. “Can we just go?” I said quietly.

“But this isn’t-“ Whizzer started only for me to give him  pleading expression.

I felt ready to cry. I just wanted to leave and never see my parents again. Though it hurt, I’d come to accept that they’d never love or support me for who I was. As far I as I was concerned, I was emotionally orphaned when they kicked me out. I didn’t want to spend any more time around them than necessary. And I definitely didn’t want Whizzer to get arrested for attacking my mother, which seemed to be where this would lead soon enough.

“Please Whizzer…” I begged, his expression softening.

“Fine…” Whizzer said.

Whizzer began walking away, his back to my parents. I looked at them one last time as I prepared to leave. My father looked shaken, as though this wasn’t how he’d expected, or at least hoped, things would go. My mother however now wore a smirk on her face. I felt my blood boil at the smirk. She was getting just what she wanted. She’d hurt me and knew that we couldn’t do anything about it.

“You know what? No, this isn’t okay. Fuck you,” I said to my mother, causing Whizzer to stop and look back at me in surprise. “You never accepted me for who I was, even when I was little. You always found something to nitpick or critique. Not once did you ever seem happy, no matter how hard I tried!”

All three adults, along with a few passer-bys, stared at me in with either shock, discomfort, surprise, and even a little bit of pride on Whizzer’s part as I continued on. But I didn’t care. A floodgate had been opened and I wasn’t stopping anytime soon. Everything I’d held in over the years poured out.

“And just because you don’t agree with who I am doesn’t mean you can treat me this way! And if you care so little about me to treat me like that then I’m glad you’re not in my life anymore! I’ve found someone who actually supports me and cares about me despite how fucked up I am! So both of you can fuck off and go to hell because I don’t need this bullshit anymore!”

I turned and began walking away as soon as I’d finished my rant, leaving before either of my parents could respond. Whizzer followed after me, quickly catching up. “That was fantastic!” Whizzer said excitedly. “I’m so proud of you for standing up to them like that! It was such a- h-hey! Are you okay?”

I looked up at Whizzer, tears streaming down my face as I tried to comprehend just what had happened. I’d managed to hold all the tears back when going off on my parents but it seemed a whole new floodgate had been opened now. “I-I di-didn’t kn-kn-know they ha-had a b-baby…” I said, fully breaking down into sobs.

Whizzer quickly led me to the nearest bench and helped me sit down. “It’s okay,” he said, pulling me into a hug. “Just let it all out.”

Soon enough I managed to calm down enough to talk in coherent sentences. “I-I’m sorry…” I said, pulling away from Whizzer and wiping my hand across my eyes. “I… I shouldn’t have gone off on them like that… and it was stupid of me to break down like that…”

“Sorry? Are you kidding?” Whizzer smiled. “It was great how you stood up to them! I’m so proud of you! And it wasn’t stupid, that was an emotionally intense situation back there.”

“I just… how can a parent do that to their own kid? Am I really so fucked up that my own parents could just replace me and not care?”

“Replace? What’re you… oh…” Whizzer looked at me with a sad expression. “You’re not the one who’s fucked up. That’d be your bitch of a mother and doormat of a father. Besides kiddo, you’re one of a kind! There’s no way anyone could replace you!”

I gave a light smile, though I still felt pretty shitty about what all had just happened. “Don’t let them get you down too much,” Whizzer said, most likely noticing I still felt down. “You’re a great kid who’s growing into an even greater man. And think of it this way, if you’re parents weren’t so shitty we probably never have ended up meeting.”

“Yea, and then Reggie wouldn’t have such a great home to destroy.”

“True,” Whizzer sighed, probably lamenting over the antics of the overly active dog. “Well, now that you’ve experienced a thoroughly dramatic birthday, let us embark on a journey to more drama! But… the good kind this time.”

I laughed and nodded, opening my soda as the two of us stood up. “What show did you end up deciding on?” I asked.

“A Chorus Line!” Whizzer said excitedly.

It didn’t ring any bells to me but I nodded and took a sip of my soda. “Sounds fun,” I said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter... it was a hard one to write. Especially the confrontation itself. I went back and forth with a lot of stuff for it but in the end I think it turned out... well? Haha, I geuss, more than anything this was an emotionally draining chapter to write. It helped me get some stuff out though for sure. Matthews monologue towards the end reflects a lot of what I'd like to say to a specific person that handled things... very poorly when I first started questioning my sexuality. With how shitty they were just because I was liking someone of the same sex, I can only imagine how they'd react if they found out about my gender identity.
> 
> Also, I know it's silly but I'm still reeling over the fact Tracie Thoms actually replied to a few tweets I sent her way during a Twitter Q&A and Anthony Rosenthal liked one of my tweets. I don't have any friends who love Falsettos so I had to freak out over it somewhere lol


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Whizzer tries to help Matthew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place a few weeks after chapter five. It's after Whizzer finds out about Matthew skipping school, which I'll write at some point but this... just kinda happened. And I kinda feel really bad about the ending of this one. But this is what happens when I give myself a week long break from writing and jump back into the sea of feels that is Falsettos. Well that and the painful foreshadowing of the "hors d'oeuvres" lines in You Gotta Die Sometime and Jason's Bar Mitzvah suddenly hitting me. So just be warned, angsty feels and no real resolutions ahoy.

This was bullshit, complete and utter bullshit. I’d have done anything to get out of this punishment. I’d have opted for taking responsibility for any trouble Reggie caused over this torture. I’d have preferred getting grounded for the rest of my days as a minor to this. I’d even have gone to school in the first place if I’d know this was where cutting class would lead me.

I stared out the car window, refusing to talk as Marvin and Whizzer chatted in the front. They were happy enough considering what they were about to put me through. I’d hoped Whizzer would listen to my pleas and finally cancel the appointment but no. He was the one driving us there. And it wasn’t like I could escape either.

No, Whizzer and Marvin had wised up to my attempts to flee after I’d tried to bolt last time as soon as I was out of the car. I could understand the precaution of bringing Marvin this time, Whizzer didn’t want to chase after me and two people were certainly harder to slip by than just one. But had they really needed to have to activate the child lock? Not only was I being treated like a child, but it now felt like I was being escorted like a criminal, Whizzer and Marvin acting as two partners who were tasked with getting me to the prison cell that was Mendel’s office.

“We’re here!” Whizzer said, his tone chipper as he pulled into the parking lot.

I glared up at his smiling reflection in the rear view mirror and huffed as I turned to look out the window. I had no intention of making this an enjoyable or easy visit. I’d tried playing nice with getting out of the appointment at first, but Whizzer refused to listen to my reasoning and offers. So now I had hopes that Whizzer would eventually give up on the idea of therapy if I made it a difficult enough process. Marvin having his back on the idea of therapy was not helping my situation any either.

If it had just been Whizzer, he’d probably have given in long ago. But with backup… it was like he’d become an impenetrable force. A wall that would never fall in the battle of parenting. Honestly, I wished he would just get another puppy to keep Reggie and I company. But apparently being held back a full year in school was a bigger deal than an out of school suspension.

“Can’t we just-” I started, trying one last time to get out of this as Whizzer parked.

“No,” Marvin said.

“You don’t even know what I was going to say…” I argued, knowing it was pointless.

“What were you going to say?” Whizzer asked, stopping the argument before it could really begin.

“…Can’t we just go home? I don’t need this… I’ve learned my lesson… I won’t skip school anymore…” I said.

Whizzer turned to Marvin, an unsure expression on his face. “This is more than just skipping school,” Marvin said, sighing.

“I’ll do anything!” I said, trying with all of my might to not let on how much the idea of being forced to open up to Mendel was upsetting me. “I’ll take any other punishment…”

I had to wonder why Mendel was even the first choice if I had to go in the first place. It seemed like a poor choice with how involved in each other’s lives we were. Maybe it was an attempt to get me to open up more since I knew Mendel a little bit more than some random stranger. Maybe it was to get a referral for me. Either way, I didn’t like the idea of opening up to him.

I didn’t want to tell him everything… I didn’t want to tell anyone everything. I knew I was fucked up and didn’t want anyone else looking in on that. I didn’t like the idea of being that vulnerable with anyone, not even Whizzer.

“Punishment?” Whizzer asked, looking back at me with confusion. “This isn’t a punishment...”

“If you say so…” I sighed and looked away, hiding the tears that were threatening to spill.

After a few moments of silence both Whizzer and Marvin got out of the car. I waited for the door beside me to open but found myself surprised when the other back door opened instead. I turned to exit through it but was immediately stopped by Whizzer getting in and sitting beside me while Marvin walked into the building. I stared at him as he closed the door. I quickly turned away, avoiding any and all eye contact.

“Hey… please look at me… Matty please…” Whizzer said, his tone now much gentler than before but taking on a sense of pleading towards the end.

I turned my gaze towards Whizzer and saw him sitting uncomfortably, his legs slightly squished from how far back he had the driver’s seat pushed back. “What?” I sighed.

“You know this isn’t a punishment… right?” Whizzer asked, his gaze gentle and slightly hurt.

“What else would it be?” I scoffed.

“I’m not trying to punish you… I’m just trying to help.” Whizzer said.

“Help? How is hoisting me off on a therapist helping me?”

“Well firstly, he’s a psychiatrist, not a therapist. And, as Marvin has informed time and time again, there’s a difference between the two,” Whizzer started.

“That doesn’t matter!” I said angrily, quickly reaching my breaking point on the subject. “I don’t want to talk to a therapist or psychiatrist or anyone!”

“But it can help to-”

“I don’t need help.”

“If you’d just try-”

“I don’t want to.”

“Matty… It’s nothing to be ashamed- “

“I’M NOT ASHAMED!” I yelled, shutting my eyes and letting the tears finally fall. “I’M NOT CONFUSED! I’M NOT LOOKING FOR ATTENTION! AND I’M NOT CRYING OUT FOR HELP! I’M JUST- I just…”

“I’m sorry…” Whizzer said quietly, giving me as much space as was possible in the small car. “I didn’t mean it like that…”

Sobs escaped as I tried to calm myself down. I’d tried so hard for so long to keep all of this in and hidden away from Whizzer. I hated showing these feelings around anyone other than Reggie. Despite the few breakdowns I’d had in front of Whizzer, Reggie was the only one I felt comfortable crying around and that was only because he couldn’t tell anyone else about it. Reggie didn't look at me with pity like Whizzer did when I broke down. There was no trying to make me feel better with showers of confirmation and validation. Reggie just laid and cuddled with me until I felt better. As much as I appreciated Whizzer for all of that, I loved that Reggie was just there and that was plenty.

 “I-I know…” I said, forcing a smile as I wiped my eyes. “I just… I’m just tired and over re-acted… it’s nothing to worry about.”

“No, we need to talk about this.”

“Please, it’s really nothing…”

“You breaking down like this isn’t nothing.”

“I’m fine… it’s nothing to worry about…”

“Matty... I just want to hel-“

“JUST STOP, WHIZZER! YOU’RE NOT MY DAD!” I yelled, regretting it as soon as the words left my mouth.

Whizzer didn’t say anything. He just stared, his expression looking both shocked and hurt. I couldn't blame him. He had given me everything and been there for me at all times. He’d always dropped everything to make sure I was okay and had done everything in his power to make me feel loved and embraced in his life. And now I had flat out rejected him and his attempts to help. I’d rejected the only person who’d ever truly accepted me for who I was.

“I… I’m so sorry…” I whispered, my hands reaching up and covering my mouth. “I… I just…”

“Everything alright in here?” Marvin asked, opening the door by Whizzer.

Whizzer looked back and nodded. “Y-yea, everything great. We were… just finishing up…”

“Yea… I’m um… I’m ready to go in now…” I said quietly as Whizzer wiggled out of the seat.

“Really?” Marvin asked, looking at me with surprise. “Great! Let’s get going then!” he said, more than likely figuring he should take the opportunity before it was lost.

I nodded and got out behind Whizzer. The three of us walked into Mendel’s office, Marvin blissfully oblivious to the tension between Whizzer and I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I uh... I feel really bad because I was gonna end the conversation after the first explosion from Matthew but the, "You're not my dad," line popped into my mind and I just went, "Oh... oh no... why am I still typing? ;-;" This chapter honestly started out with me being like, "I could really go for a Mendel chapter!" And then it turned into this and had zero Mendel in the end. I personally think that writing at 1 A.M. fed into it. And honestly, I totally could re-write it to not hurt my heart so much but I also kinda like how it turned out. 
> 
> I definitely lashed out like this at times when I was a teenager. Hell, I'm 23 now and massively lashed out just last year at my parents after I was admitted to the hospital because of depression/anxiety stuff. They were just trying to help, despite how much their help didn't feel like help at the time. And even though things definitely could've been handled on both sides, it's something I feel a lot of guilt over and wish I hadn't done. But I think it's also important to acknowledge. Emotions are hard and sometimes they don't make sense which sucks. But that what growth, self-improvement, and self-discovery is all about <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew gets hurt, Cordelia is basically a concerned mom, and people eavesdrop like crazy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To make up for chapter 7 :) Also, this takes place about 3 weeks after chapter 7.

Snow fell in a glittery haze. I felt no real joy towards the cold flakes as I trudged down the dark street, Reggie pulling me along as I held his leash. It was pretty enough to look at from inside and had procured the day off from school, not that it mattered at this point since I’d be repeating all of the same classes next year. Whizzer had been adamant after finding out that I still attend nonetheless. He hadn’t been pushing it as much now and I hated every minute in classes. But I didn’t want to push or defy him any further than I already had.

Ever since I’d blown up at Whizzer, I’d felt a distinct difference in the apartment. He’d been spending more and more time over at Marvin’s and away from me. The only time I really saw him anymore was when he joined me for the journey to school. We didn’t talk much on those trips anymore either. A little bit of chit chat here and there but nothing like we used to do. I still hadn’t built up the courage to bring up the incident and really apologize so I really couldn’t blame him. But it still hurt, and I felt incredibly alone.

Marvin hadn’t mentioned anything about it to me so I could only assume Whizzer hadn’t said anything to him. I couldn’t imagine how Whizzer must’ve been feeling about it. I’d basically told him I didn’t want or need his help and that he had less authority over me because he wasn’t biologically related to me.

Whizzer had proved time and time again over the last couple of years that he loved and cared for me more than my parents ever had. I’d thrown all that back in his face and acted as though it meant nothing. I was just as terrible as my mother.

I sighed, a white puff hanging in the air as I looked around. I’d made it pretty far, finding myself to be increasingly close to where Marvin lived. I should’ve turned back long ago if I’d wanted to be home at a reasonable time. But Whizzer probably wouldn’t be home until morning, so I didn’t have anyone who would be waiting up for me. I really didn’t want to sit around in the empty apartment again.

Squinting, I noticed a figure in the distance. Great. I could only hope the person would leave me be and not end up being someone I knew, as that seemed to be an all too often occurrence for me. It was amazing with how big New York was that I always seemed to be in the same place as someone who knew me, be it one of Whizzer’s friends, some asshole from school, or even the one run in with my parents.

As we got closer I noticed it was a woman who was bundled up and carrying a Tupperware container filled with some sort of contents. And she looked distinctly like one of the women who lived next door to Marvin. I looked down, hoping she would recognize me. But Reggie had other plans.

I cried out, Reggie pulling me forward as he bound excitedly over to the woman. If my own lack of coordination and slush was a poor combination, then Reggie running was the exact thing that I hadn’t been hoping for. “Nonono!” I said, slipping and sliding as I tried to maintain my balance.

_THUD._

_SHUUSH._

One would have thought that my falling might have alerted Reggie to stop running. But one would be wrong. I quickly found myself being pulled through slush, a sharp and stinging pain appearing in my cheek as I desperately wished I’d left the overly friendly dog at home. “Oh my god! Are you okay!?”

I groaned and looked up once Reggie came to a stop. Yep, it was definitely one of Marvin’s neighbors. I was pretty sure Cordelia had been her name. “Y-yea… I think so,” I said, forcing myself slightly up and wincing.

“Here, let me help you up,” Cordelia said, offering a hand while Reggie panted happily up at her.

“Th-thanks…” I said, taking her hand and standing up.

“Absolutely,” she said as I brushed the slush off of myself. “O-oh no! You’re hurt, we should get that treated!”

“Treated? What?” I asked, suddenly noticing the bloody slush sticking to my hand. “Oh…”

“Come on, I live nearby and can clean it up and treat it a bit!” she said, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards Marvin’s apartment building. “And if need be, I’m sure my neighbor would be willing to drive us to the hospital. I was headed there anyway.”

The hospital? Neighbor? She must’ve meant Marvin but… Whizzer was with him tonight. I didn’t need either of them worrying about anything else with me. “N-no… that’s really alright!” said, pulling backwards only to almost fall again.

Cordelia quickly caught me though, Reggie nudging me forward as well. What a traitor. “I insist, you need to get that scrape cleaned up before it gets infected!”

“I-I… I-uh… okay…” I said lamely.

It was obvious Cordelia didn’t recognize me at this point, whether it be from the poorly lit streets or the injury was anybody’s guess. I could only hope if I cooperated she wouldn’t be any the wiser because she certainly wasn’t going to just let me leave like this. And hopefully once I was all cleaned up I could leave without a word of it reaching Whizzer or Marvin.

Soon enough we reached the door to her apartment and Reggie went crazy, barking excitedly at Marvin’s door. Oh no. “He’s fine, he just gets excited easily…” I quickly lied, holding my sleeve against my bleeding facing.

Cordelia nodded, quickly unlocking the door and leading me and Reggie in. Setting the Tupperware down, she brought me into the living room. I was soon sitting on a couch, waiting as she ran out of the room. The aches from the fall starting to set in and a little bit later Cordelia brought a couple of wet washcloths out along with a bottle of disinfectant, bandages, and a dry washcloth. “Here,” she said, sitting beside me and gently dabbing at the dried blood.

“Thank you…” I said.

“Of course,” she smiled sweetly before squinting at me. “You look familiar… have we met before?”

My already sore muscles tensed as a nervous pit formed in my stomach. As much as I missed Whizzer I’d preferred him to not know I’d been walking around on my own this late at night, especially on a school night. I already felt bad enough about everything. I didn’t want to add anything more onto the mountain of reasons Whizzer should give up on me.

“Probably not…” I said slowly. “I just… have one of those faces…”

“No, I’m sure I know you… ah! I’ve got it!” Cordelia grinned. “You live with Whizzer don’t you? Matthew wasn’t it?”

I glanced away and fidgeted. “I-uh… n-yea… that’s me…”

“Oh that’s fantastic! Well not that you got hurt but that you’re Whizzer’s kid!” she said, making me wince. “He should be next door with Marvin so when we’re done with this we can go get them to help you home!”

“No!” I said, panicking. “I-I mean… that’s alright… I can make it home on my own…”

“Are you sure? That was a pretty nasty fall…”

“Y-yea…. I wouldn’t want… to bother them…”

Cordelia looked at me with confusion as I avoided eye contact.  It would be a long and painful walk, especially with how Reggie liked to pull forward at random moments. But I would’ve much preferred to deal with that than to face a painfully awkward car ride home. With how distant Whizzer had been lately I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d just go to bed when we got back. And that would be worse than being given the third degree.

“Bother? I’m sure you wouldn’t… wait, what’s really going on?” she asked, suddenly acting more like a concerned parent might.

“Huh? N-nothing, why would-”

“Whizzer’s been spending a lot of time here lately and he seems… different. Then I run into you walking around alone late at night? What’s going on?”

My gaze flicked about the room, trying to find any rout of escape. Though I doubted I could get very far running with how my body ached at this point. “I… n-nothing… it’s just…” I sighed. “Have you ever said something you really regret?”

“Regret? Well, yea, everyone has…”

“N-no… like you really, really regret it… and you really hurt someone close to you and you don’t think you can ever make it up to them… h-how do you fix something like that?”

“I’m sure if you just talk to them-”

“No… what if it’s bigger than just talking to them? What if they have every right to hate you?” I said, hoping that being as open and honest as possible would garner some sort of willingness to not tell Whizzer or Marvin that I was here. “What if… they gave you every chance in the world to do things right but… but you just kept fucking things up?”

“Hmmm…” she hummed, dampening the dry washcloth with disinfectant. “It depends… would this person happen to be Whizzer?”

Glancing away, I winced as Cordelia light dabbed the cloth on my cheek. “Ahh!” I cried out, trying my best to hold still. “Y-yea… yea it is…”

Cordelia nodded understandingly, a light smile on her face as she glanced up. “I think you might try talking to him then,” she said, standing up and looking past me.

I looked back as she held the bandages out. Whizzer stood in the entryway to the living room, a tired and emotional expression on his face. I looked at Cordelia with a panicked expression, feeling tricked and betrayed. Did this mean she’d known who I was all along? She gently smiled down at me and placed gentle hand on my shoulder. “I’ll give you two a few minutes,” she said.

I sent one last pleading expression towards Cordelia but she promptly left the room, Whizzer grabbing the bandages and slowly walking over to me. “Hey…” he said quietly, sitting on the coffee table in front of me and wincing once he saw the full extent of my injuries. “Yeesh, the sidewalk really did a number on you…”

“Y-yea…” I said, lowering my gaze and fidgeting slightly. “How’d you know I was here?”

“Well Reggie barking was the first clue,” Whizzer said, a small smile appearing on his face. “But Cordelia also had Charlotte call Marvin and he told me.”

“So… you heard everything then?”

“Not everything… just starting where you talked about being a bother…”

Sighing, I slumped into the couch as Whizzer began opening one of the bandages. Great, now I’d made him feel worse. He’d always told me not worry about that kind of stuff, not that it’d ever stopped me from worrying.

“You wouldn’t have… been a bother that is,” Whizzer said, sticking a large square bandage on my cheek.

“I’m sorry… I… I didn’t it that way…” I said, watching Whizzer open the next bandage.

“No, you did,” Whizzer shrugged. “You’ve always been worried about that kind of stuff. But that’s part of who you are. You care so much how you affect those around you. You probably care a bit too much about it sometimes. You should really cut yourself some slack.”

I looked at Whizzer, doing my best to hold back my tears. “I… I’m so sorry Whizzer… I just… I shouldn’t have…”

“Hey,” Whizzer said, placing the second bandage on my chin. “It’s okay.”

“No… it’s not… I shouldn’t have said that stuff… back at Mendel’s… I just… I don’t…”

“I know. It’s hard enough being fifteen… you have a lot more going on than most others your age too though…”

“But I still shouldn’t have-”

“No, you were right… I… I’m not your dad.”

Staring at Whizzer, I floundered for what I should say. I couldn’t handle the fact I’d made Whizzer deal with these words and feel this after all he’d done for me. He’d been so kind and caring towards me. But I’d been so ungrateful towards him.

“No… you’re not. But you’re so much more than that Whizzer…” I whispered, tears spilling over as Whizzer freezing and looking at me with surprise. “Y-you’ve done so much more for me than my parents ever did… y-you’ve actually cared about what makes me happy and who I actually am. I… I just… I… I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean it… but I don’t blame you if you hate me at this point…”

Whizzer stared at me, teary eyed. “Y-you… you think I hate you?” he asked, his hands trembling.

Looking down at my hands, I twiddled my thumbs. “I mean… isn’t that why you’ve been spending all of your time over here? To get away from me?”

“God no…” Whizzer said, shakily placing the last bandage on my forehead. “I was just trying to give you space… I could never hate you, Matty… I care about you so much…”

I looked up. This was the first time Whizzer had called me Matty since I’d gone off on him. I felt myself beginning to crumble. “I… Whizzer? Would... would you adopt me?”

Whizzer stared for a couple of seconds, looking taken aback by the question. Without warning, I suddenly found myself engulfed in a tight hug. “Absolutely.”

"Oh my gosh!" 

Pulling apart, Whizzer and I looked back and saw Cordelia straring at us with starry eyes. "We need to celebrate! I'll make more food!"

"I'll go get Marv," Whizzer chuckled as Reggie excitedly barked and followed Cordelia into the kitchen.

I smiled, it seemed like things could maybe go back to normal and start being good again. "Oh, by the way," Whizzer said, standing up. "You're grounded for a week for walking around so late and on your own."

I stared at Whizzer, trying to figure out if he was kidding or not. By the way he was walking away I could only assume he was being serious. "Wha- you can't ground me!"

"Oh yes I can," Whizzer said, giving me a pointed look. "And you're trying therapy."

"Goddammit..." I muttered.

"Language!" Whizzer said, giving me a pointed look before grinning. "Just kidding, you can swear all you fucking want as long as you're not at school. But you're still grounded. And we're going to get a recommendation from Mendel first thing tomorrow."

Great. I was happy Whizzer and I had made up but I was also beginning to regret inviting this kind of power upon him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhhhh dang. Also, if your wondering, Cordelia was totes headed to the hospital to bring dinner to Charlotte since she had to work late. Cause Cordelia is just that sweet. Also she had a lot of left over practicing for Jason's Bar Mitzvah ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Soooo... fair warning. I'm unsure to how often updates will be now that school is back in session for me. I finally get to start writing feature length screenplay though and I'm super excited for that. It's also centered around a trans protagonist, though he's much younger than Matthew. I'm incredibly excited because I love the story I have plotted out but also... ya know, terrified it'll end up being shitty despite how much I care about it lol Other than that, I'm still planning on keeping up with this to some extent. It's just I have a whole vomit draft of act 3 of the screenplay due by the 23rd of this month and since that's a requirement for my graduation in the spring it's definitely gotta be my #1 priority at the moment, despite how much I love writing this.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew makes a friend~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So possible trigger warning. There's some violence in this chapter. 
> 
> This is a long chapter. The ending is kinda abrupt as well but that's cause the next one will pick up where this one leaves off :) This chapter takes place after Whizzer has signed the adoption paperwork.

I looked out the window, watching as buildings went by. A sense of relief washed over me as we neared my stop. I was tired of being around classmates. Apparently one of the guys on the bus had plans for after school with some friends because there was an unusually large group of male students congregated in the middle of the bus. I wouldn’t have even cared if they hadn’t kept glancing at me and snickering. It was obnoxious.

Grabbing my backpack, I scooted to the edge of my seat as the bus pulled to a stop. I stood up and made my way off as the group began gathering their things and standing up. Fantastic, hopefully we’d be headed different directions, so I wouldn’t have to deal with any comments.

Normally, I’d have Whizzer waiting at my stop to accompany me home for the last leg of the journey back from school. However, tonight he had been asked to stay late at work. He had apparently asked Marvin if he could stand in, being overly paranoid about me walking on my own at night. But Marvin was busy with some sort of planning debacle with Trina that he couldn’t get out of. So I was on my own for the night.

This shouldn’t have been such a big issue to Whizzer since I knew the trip like the back of my hand. I’d walked on my own plenty of times and never run into trouble before. Hell, I had even lived on my own for a few days and nothing had happened then.

Though, ever since I’d asked him to adopt me, he had been openly exercising a lot more of a parental type of restrictions and concerns towards me.  He was still the same Whizzer that had always been there for me, brought a sense of humor and fun to most situations, and had always tried to push me towards more responsible and self-improving choices. I appreciated the septimate and it was nice to know he cared so much. But I also sort of missed the feeling of freedom I’d had before.

I stepped off of the bus and began making my way towards home. I made it about half a block before hearing someone call out towards me. “Hey!”

I looked back and saw one of the guys waving in my direction. The other five looked to be holding back laughter. I rolled my eyes and continued walking. “Hey! Wait up!”

Looking back again I noticed that he was running after me, the others looking at him like he was crazy. I paused, not knowing how to react. I didn’t feel like picking up my pace was the best option as I feared that might cause him to chase me further and I worried that would lead to the others running after me as well. I’d been in fights before and had held my own well enough but there was no way I could take on that many people at once. I really didn’t want to get into a fight in the first place, especially since I’d promised Whizzer I wouldn’t do that anymore after he’d gotten us Reggie.

“What do you want?” I asked as the guy reached me.

He didn’t look familiar to me. The school I went to was fairly large, so I didn’t know everyone in it. But everyone seemed to know who I was, and he was with a group that generally went out of their way to make my days shittier than they had to be. “I-uh…” he said, awkwardly scratching the back of his head. “I was wondering if you’d like to hang out with us.”

I stared at him, straight faced. I didn’t buy it. “Why? So you can all ditch me and talk about how much of a loser or freak I am afterwards?”

“Wha- no. Why would we-?” he started.

“Look, I’m sure you guys must think it’s really funny and cool to harass me like this,” I cut him off and channeled my inner Whizzer, not in the mood for whatever games they had in mind. “But it’s just mean and, frankly, really sad. You guys have fun… doing whatever it is you’re going to do. But you can count me out.”

The guy stared at me, seeming to be unsure of how to respond. He looked back at the rest of the guys and then back at me. I quickly flipped them all the bird, turned, and began walking away again. This time I only made a it a couple of steps before hearing another one of them say something. “The fag thinks she’s tough!”

Shit. I immediately picked up my pace, wishing I hadn’t flipped the bird. Or that I at least hadn’t done so in such an unpopulated area. But the sound of quick and many footsteps behind me alerted me to the fact that I should run. “H-hey! What’re you guys-”

I soon found myself coming to a stop as one of them grabbed my backpack. I pulled, trying with all of my might to get away but soon found them encircling me. This was bad. I suddenly found myself wishing that I had Whizzer or Marvin, or, better yet, both with me. I wouldn’t have been stupid enough to get into this situation if one of them had been with me.

“So you don’t want to hang out with us?” one of them asked.

“You think you’re better than us?” another one asked. “Is that it?

“Uh… yea… that about sums it up,” I smiled, immediately cursing Whizzer for rubbing off on me so much.

A disbelieving chuckle escaped him as he smirked. I gasped, suddenly feeling the impact of a fist. I wrapped my arms around my stomach. “H-hey! Stop it!” the first guy said, trying to push past a couple of them.

“What? You wanna stand up for her?” the holding my backpack laughed, making me feel an extra sense of hurt from his use of her. “Are you some sort of faggot too?”

 “Fuck you,” I coughed, earning a punch to face.

The rest of the group began laughing as I managed to slip out of my backpack straps. I quickly ran towards the biggest gap I could find in their attempt at entrapping me. “Oh no, we’re not done here,” the guy who’d punched me said as another one grabbed me.

“Let go of me!” I shouted, struggling and throwing punches wildly.

But he was stronger than me and I quickly found myself being restrained as the first guy tried to get them to stop. Soon enough the remaining two guys were holding him back as well. “Seems like you could use a lesson in respect,” the guy holding my backpack said, walking over to me.

I spit in his face. If I was going to get my ass kicked I was going to have it done on my own terms. He blinked and stared at me for a moment. The guy behind me suddenly let me go as the other wiped the spit from his face and suddenly flung my backpack at my head. I regretted actually bringing my books home for once as I felt myself fall to the ground. “Jesus dude.”

A swift kick to the stomach as the first guy yelled at him to stop. I cried out and curled into a ball as more kicks landed on me from all different angle. “That’s enough,” one of them said, a groan leaving me as my backpack suddenly landed on me with a hard thud.

“Have fun with the faggot,” another said as something heavy landed on me.

The heavy thing quickly got off me though, alerting me to the fact it was the first guy. “Jesus… do they know any other insults?” he muttered, quickly turning his attention me. “A-are… are you alright?”

I let out a slight whimper, finding myself unable to move as my body went limp. I felt him slowly rolling me over to check on me. “Shit…” he whispered. “Wh-where do you live? I… I can help you get there and then maybe you parents can take you to the hospital.

Parents… well that’d be Whizzer at this point. A sense of panic entered me as I thought about Whizzer. He’d be so upset. I’d promised to not get in any more fights and what had I done? I’d pushed and pushed until I’d gotten my ass kicked. I had just made up with him too, I couldn’t take giving him another thing to get upset over.

“H-hey! It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to!” the guy said as I began hyperventilating. “O-oh god… what do you want me to do? What should I do? I don’t know how to help!”

I managed to calm down and shakily sit up, wincing and gasping in pain on the way up. “I-I’m sorry… about that,” I muttered, feeling pain with each breath. “I-uh… I just… I guess don’t want my dad finding out about this…”

“Oh… I’m uh… I’m sorry… I just thought it would be easier than trying to walk or carry you to a hospital…” he said.

I nodded and looked away. “I uh… I don’t really want to go to a hospital if I can help it…” I said.

There was no way I could go to and get out of the hospital without Whizzer finding out. And with my luck I’d end up at the one hospital that Charlotte worked at and Whizzer would find out even quicker. He would inevitably find out, I could already feel a bruise form on my cheek. But the longer he could live in ignorant bliss, the better.

“A-are you sure?” he asked, sounding worried. “Would you at least let you take you by my place? My mom is a nurse and could make sure you’re like… okay and stuff… and then she could probably give you a ride home. Please? It’d make me feel a lot better since this is my fault…”

“I-uh… sure okay… how far away is your place?”

“Uh… pretty far actually…” he said, awkwardly scratching the back of his head.

I sighed. “Let’s get going then…” I said.

He nodded and stood up and picked up my backpack. “Do… do you think you walk?” he asked.

“I’ll need some help but I think it’s possible…” I said.

Nodding, he helped me up. It took a little bit, but we finally got me into a position where I could walk. It was a slow walk, but I could still walk. “I-I’m Ben by the way…”

“Matthew…” I said, earning a confused look from him as I prepared for the inevitable comments of disapproval.

“I… I thought they said you were a… oh…”

“Yea…”

Ben and I walked in a silence for a few moments. “That’s… that’s cool though. That you’re being yourself despite what assholes people can be…”

“I-uh… thanks…” I said, blushing. “You don’t look all that familiar. Like I haven’t seen you around school… and you don’t seem like you’d usually hang out with guys like them…”

“Oh-uh… I’m new,” he said, chuckling awkwardly. “I just kinda ended up in a group project with a couple of them and they invited me to hang out with them... and I dunno. You looked lonely… so I thought it’d be cool to invite you too…”

“Mmm…” I hummed, suddenly seeing a familiar car drive by.

Shit. That had looked like Marvin’s car. We still hadn’t made past where the bus had dropped us off but I had thought he’d been busy with Bar Mitzvah stuff. I kept my gaze forward and hoped that, if it was him, he wouldn’t have seen me in the dimming daylight. But my luck was never that good, the sound of the car pulling over and coming to a stop was proof enough of that. I had the curse of being easily locatable for some reason.

“Matthew?” Marvin called after us.

I winced as Ben looked back in confusion. “Just keep walking,” I quietly pleaded.

“I-uh… okay…” Ben said, seeming unsure.

“Matthew!” Marvin called, running after us.

“Dammit…” I sighed, looking back. “Hey Marvin…”

“Whizzer wanted me to make sure you made it home safely… what are you- Jesus! What happened!?” Marvin asked.

“I-uhhhh… I kinda…” I said, unsure of how to explain.

“It’s my fault sir,” Ben said as we turned around to face Marvin. “If it weren’t for me, Matthew would’ve just gone straight home and nothing would have happened…”

Marvin turned his attention to Ben and raised an eyebrow as I felt a mixture of gratitude and surprise. “And who are you?”

“I’m uh… I’m Ben… I’m Matthew’s friend…”

I suddenly felt more surprise and confusion than gratitude. I wouldn’t have classified us as friends at this point. I was grateful that he’d stood up for me and was helping me out, but we hardly knew each other. At this point, we were more acquaintances than anything else. But I supposed that would’ve been a weirder dynamic to explain to Marvin. “Really?” Marvin asked, looking a bit surprised.

That was a natural reaction seeing as how he knew about my school skipping escapades. I’d made it pretty clear how alone I felt at school when Whizzer had confronted me about it and Marvin had been around for that conversation as well. Marvin had actually been around for a lot of conversations lately. Whizzer had really taken to going to him for backup on the more parental aspects of our relationship. This meant more punishment and much more actually sticking to the punishments. But it also meant Whizzer was happier since Marvin was back in his life so I couldn’t be too angry.

“Yea…” I said, hoping it would get me out of explaining what had gone down.

Even if Ben was willing to take the blame I still didn’t want to explain why I’d been beaten up. Marvin didn’t know about my history of getting into fights, at least not to my knowledge. It was never a fun conversation to have with Whizzer why I’d gotten into the fights. Why I had been beaten up. Why I was so miserable at school. He always had a pain in his eyes when I told him what had started the fight. He’d faced plenty of prejudice himself and I think my issues with it were a constant reminder to him of days he would’ve rather forgotten. I could only assume Marvin might have similar baggage.

“Well… uh… it’s nice to meet you Ben… but what exactly happened?”

Shit. It figured Marvin would push the subject. He was like Whizzer in that respect. Neither of them would leave these types of things alone despite how much I wished they would. “I just… I got in a fight… you should see the other guy though…” I lied, forcing a smile.

“YOU GOT IN A FIGHT!?” Marvin said, making me immediately regret the lie.

Whizzer would be more upset at hearing I got in a fight rather than hearing that I just got my ass kicked. “Uh… yeaaaaa…” I said slowly, glancing towards Ben for help.

“L-like I said though, it was my fault!” Ben said. “If it hadn’t been Matthew stepping in, I totally would’ve gotten my ass kicked.”

“So…” Marvin said, staring at us skeptically. “To save him from getting his ass kicked… you got your ass kicked?”

“But the other guy came out worse…” I said.

“Worse? You look like you were hit by a bus…”

“Uhhh… it looks worse than it is?” I offered lamely, wincing as Ben adjusted his stance slightly.

Marvin stared, obviously not believing us. “Get in the car,” he said. “We’re going to the hospital.”

“Th-that’s really not necessary…” I said, gasping in pain as Ben stepped forward.

Staring at me what could only be described as an, “are you serious?” look, Marvin got on my other side and help Ben get me over to the car. Soon I found myself sitting in the passenger seat of Marvin’s car, Marvin and Ben talking outside. I didn’t know quite what about as they’d stepped away and were talking fairly quietly. But soon they were both getting in the car.

“Ben is joining us,” Marvin said. “Since you two are such good friends.”

“Cool…” I said, feeling like I suddenly knew what had been the topic of conversation outside.

“But first we’ll be picking up Whizzer. Since he’s your legal guardian now, the hospital will want him there.”

I stayed quiet at that announcement. I knew there was no arguing with Marvin. It would only make the situation worse. And it already felt pretty hopeless for me as it was. Within seconds, we were on our way to Whizzer’s place of work. I felt a sense of dread as Marvin parked and then walked in.

Ben and I stayed quiet for the entire time Marvin was gone. I already had a feeling Marvin knew the truth at this point but I didn’t want to confirm anything. After what seemed like an all too long wait, Whizzer exited the building, with Marvin hurrying after him and trying to talk to him in a slight panic. Whizzer didn’t seem to be listening though. He looked ready to kill someone. That someone was definitely me.

I sunk into my seat as Whizzer made eye contact with me. “What were you thinking!?” he asked, opening the door in a huff. “You promis- oh my god… you look terrible…”

I looked up at Whizzer and noticed that his expression had gone from angry to genuinely worried. “I-uh… I’m sorry…” I said, glancing away. “It… it just sort of happened?”

“Just… just sort of happened!?” Whizzer said, speaking frantically. “These sorts of things don’t just happen! What even happ-”

“It was my fault,” Ben piped up.

Whizzer looked in the back with confusion. “Who’re you?” he asked.

“This is… my friend… Ben,” I said.

“Friend?” Whizzer asked, looking between the two of us with surprise and confusion.

“We should get to the hospital…” Marvin quickly interjected, taking advantage of Whizzer’s being too worried and shocked to be angry.

“O-oh! Yea!” Whizzer said before giving me a worried look. “We’re… we’re not done talking about you fighting.”

I nodded as Whizzer closed the door. Soon we were on our way to the hospital, the four of us all sitting in an awkward silence. “So uh…” Whizzer said. “You two are friends? From school? When did that happen?”

“…O-oh you kn-know, i-it’s hard to remember that k-kind of-” Ben stammered, obviously nervous.

“Today,” I sighed internally, only to suddenly realize that I’d said it aloud. “I mean…”

“Wait… what?” Whizzer asked, confused.

“Wh-what he means is that… w-we’ve been friends f-for so long b-but we’re so close that the memory of meeting feels like it was just yesterday! Or… today… ahaha…” Ben said.

“Yep,” I nodded, realizing that Ben and I had to be the two worst liars to ever exist.

“Uh-huh…” Whizzer said, not buying it. “Why didn’t I ever hear mention of this close friend then?”

“It… never came up?” I offered.

I glanced in the review mirror and saw Whizzer raise an eyebrow. There was no way I was getting out of this. “Okay then…” Whizzer said, taking me by surprise. “If you say so.”

“Well… I do…” I said, unsure of how else proceed in the shitty lie I’d put Ben and myself in.

“Fine,” Whizzer said, seeming to accept the answer.

The rest of the ride was spent in silence. Incredibly awkward and uncomfortable silence. I was almost wishing Whizzer had continued to push the subject and I’d been forced to admit the lie. It was obvious neither he or Marvin believed it. So why were they leaving it be? Was it that they though I’d been through enough already? Or was this some sort of sick form punishment in itself. Letting the discomfort eat me from the inside out until I admitted what they already knew?

I pondered on the possibilities all the rest of the ride, wincing from each and every bump we went over. Thankfully, Whizzer worked pretty close to a hospital, so it wasn’t too long of a ride. Once Marvin parked, I unbuckled and tried to mentally prepare myself for walking again. During the ride, I’d felt my body grow stiffer and stiffer with each minute. I couldn’t see this being a fun endeavor. But it seemed I didn’t even get walking as an option this time.

Whizzer quickly went to work by getting out of the car, opening the door beside me, and gently lifting me into his arms. I cried out, both in surprise and pain, but more so pain. Wincing, he continued towards the hospital. With each step I felt a sharp pain coarse through my sides. “P-put me down,” I begged, hoping desperately that we’d come across someone who could get us a wheelchair. “P-please Whizzer…”

But Whizzer continued forward, quickly reaching the check in desk. The nurse looked up at the two of us, tears streaming down my face and anxious concern covering Whizzer’s. “I need you to call Dr. Charlotte Dubois and tell her she’s need NOW! It’s an emergency!” Whizzer said, acting as though I were on my death bed.

“Dr. Dubois isn’t avai-”

“If you just let her know that it’s Whizzer Brown, I’m sure she’ll-”

“Sir, you need to sign in before I can even-”

“Just talk to Dr. Dubois and-”

“I’m so sorry,” Marvin said, walking up with a sigh. “Go sit down Whizzer, I’ll sign us in.”

“But-” Whizzer started.

“Sit down, Whizzer. Also, can we get a wheelchair for him?” Marvin asked motioning towards me.

“Thank you,” the nurse smiled, handing Marvin the sign in sheet as Whizzer walked away in a huff. “And absolutely.”

Whizzer gently sat me down and began pacing, casting impatient glances towards Marvin and worried ones towards me. Ben sat beside me, fidgeting uncomfortably. “Sit down and take a deep breath Whizzer,” Marvin sighed, walking over with the paperwork while the nurse went to find a wheelchair. “You need to calm down.”

“Calm down?” Whizzer asked, looking at Marvin with disbelief. “You want me to calm down? I’m sorry but how do you expect me to-”

“I’m fine Whizzer,” I said, earning a disbelieving look. “Really. Please stop freaking out. I’m just in a lot of pain. Other than that, I’m fine…”

“Honestly, he’s taking it a lot better than my mom would and she’s a nurse…” Ben offered, earning glares from both Marvin and I. “Uh… never mind…”

“Whizzer! How many times do I have to tell you? You can’t come in and harass the staff over every little thing!”

We looked and saw Charlotte approaching us. Whizzer quickly walked over to her and began speaking in too frantic of a manner to understand anything he was saying. “I swear to god, if this is another hangnail…”

“Nononono! This is a real emergency! I swear!” Whizzer said, grabbing Charlotte’s hand and dragging her towards up. “Please tell me Matty’s going to be okay! I couldn’t deal with it if he died right after I signed the paperwork! Can you imagine how that would make me look as a parent!?”

“Oh my god…” I said, mortified by how overly dramatic Whizzer was being.

“What are you- oh…” Charlotte said, finally laying eyes one me. “Oh wow… what- what happened?”

“I-it’s really not that bad…” I said.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” Charlotte said as the nurse returned with a wheelchair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the idea of Whizzer being an over dramatic parent who freaks out on the hospital staff as well as using his relationship with Charlotte to get special treatment over little things lol Also, I'm thinking of starting another story for chapters that don't actually take place in this timeline/dumb silly chapters. Cause I have ideas for those but don't want to include them here. But I dunno.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew muses about love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said that this chapter would pick up where the last one left off but I kinda really needed this. Hopefully the next chapter will pick up where chapter 9 left off!

I sighed, nestling myself deeper into the couch as I though. Thought on life and all it’s confusions. Though on feelings and insecurities. Thought on the idea that I might have actual feeling for someone my age. I hated it. I hated the idea that someone was capturing my attention in this way. I supposed it was only natural, especially at my age. But I still didn’t like it.

I didn’t even know anything about her other than her name, Sarah Frye. I was lab partners with her and she was cute. She seemed nice enough, though the baseline for that was just being decent enough to not harass me. So why, when I knew so little about her, was I letting her rile me up so much?

I hadn’t told anyone other than Reggie. He hadn’t offered much help though. Just a bark and excitedly jumping on me. Though the gesture was sweet, I didn’t think this advice would translate well to another person or help much in the matters of love.

Love. Jason had told me once that Marvin said that love was the most beautiful thing in the world. I felt it more complicated than that though. I’d experienced love and the lack of it in so many different capacities that I couldn’t even really figure a concrete definition for it. It was scary. It was comforting. It hurt. It healed. It was both the worst and the best at the same time.

I’d grown up loving my parents and thinking they loved me back. But then they kicked me out. And I still felt the sting of it every day. Sure, I couldn’t stand the idea of ever seeing them again. But I also couldn’t just turn off the love I’d felt for them for all of that time. How was I supposed to ever just erase the first thirteen years of my life? I couldn’t. I’d have been hard pressed to name anyone that could.

I loved Whizzer. I loved everything he’d done for me and everything he stood for. He was my everything and my chosen family. But I’d also hurt him so much. Like my parents had hurt me, I’d hurt him. Maybe it was a cycle that was doomed to repeat itself. Maybe it was that I was a terrible person. Maybe it was just me making mistakes as I learned and grew. Maybe it was all of the above. Either way… I still felt guilt over all it no matter how much time passed.

I loved Reggie. He was man’s best friend incarnate. He never judged. Never pitied. Never made me worry he’d walk out on me if I said something stupid. Got excited whenever he saw me. He was the most stable and comfortable relationship I had in life.

I was beginning to find love for Marvin. It’d been so rocky at first. I’d hated the idea of change to my dynamic with Whizzer. I’d hated the idea of Marvin inserting himself into our lives. I’d feared Whizzer no longer needing or wanting me with Marvin back in his life. And I enjoyed the times he had Jason over and we would hang out. The more time I spent with Marvin, the more I realized that he brought the weird sense of family he brought to us. It was a family of mismatched puzzle pieces. But it was a family all the same.

I couldn’t say I loved Ben yet. But I definitely felt a deep appreciation and gratitude towards his presence and acceptance towards myself and my life. It’d been so long since anyone my own age had shown anything of the sort towards me. And he was enjoyable to be around. He was nice and funny. I’d needed someone like him in my life. Maybe it was selfish to feel that way, but it was how I felt.

Sarah… I definitely didn’t love her. If anything, I found a sense of distaste towards her because of how nervous she left me feeling. I felt butterflies in my stomach when I saw her and that was not something I was used to or wanted to deal with on a daily basis.

And then there was myself… I definitely didn’t love myself. I hated my differences that made my parents kick me out. I hated that I couldn’t just change and garner their acceptance. I hated that I wanted that acceptance. I hated how I couldn’t seem to control my emotions. I hated how I’d hurt Whizzer. I hated how I’d made such stupid decisions in the past. I hated that I couldn’t just accept who I was. I hated that I couldn’t let go of the past. I hated that I couldn’t just be happy. I hated me.

Love and hate were a two-sided coin in my life. I couldn’t have one without the other. Love had hurt me so much. But it’d also brought me so much in return. Hate was an ever-constant force, if not from myself then from those that didn’t accept me and my lifestyle. I doubted that would ever fully change. But I hoped it would get easier to deal with as I got older.

 “Honey, I’m home!”

I jerked up and looked in the direction of the voice, surprised to see Whizzer standing at the doorway and grinning at me. I hadn’t even heard him enter. I’d also thought I’d had the apartment to myself for the evening.

Reggie was snoozing in my room and I wasn’t going to wake such a tired pup. Whizzer had work so he wasn’t supposed to be home until around eight or so. I hadn’t wanted to bother Ben since he was stressed and studying for some test. And Marvin had the ever constant of helping to plan Jason’s Bar Mitzvah so Whizzer couldn’t assign him babysitting duties, much to my relief. It was as though he thought I’d bun down the apartment or something. A couple of cooking mishaps and misunderstandings I was banned from the kitchen for life.

It wasn’t my fault that Trina hadn’t appreciated the culinary beauty that Jason and I had found in breasghetti. It also wasn’t my fault that Marvin and Whizzer had both almost fainted after walking in as Jason brought a knife down on some kosher hotdogs protruding from my sleeve while squeezed a ketchup bottle from inside the sleeve. Nor was it my fault that Reggie had distracted me while I was baking some French fries, burnt them to the point of being hardened black sticks, and left a linger smell of burnt cookies for a few days in the apartment. And it certainly wasn’t my fault that a pan had broken mid-lift, spilled all of its contents, and left a lingering smell of rotting tomato sauce until we finally pulled the stove out.

But here I was, relegated to the microwave unless Whizzer and/or Marvin were around to supervise. It was a shame too. I really loved cooking adventures. Especially when Jason was around.

I looked at the clock. 7:34 p.m. Oh wow. So much for using my free time wisely or productively. I’d spent the last three or so hours laying on the couch, just thinking about life, love, and Sarah. That couldn’t be good for my sanity.

“Hey,” I responded, laying back down and lazily waving.

Whizzer stared at me for a few moments before walking over and motioning for me to move. I let out a light grunt, not wanting to move from my position. I was pretty comfy having made the perfect indentation over the last few hours. Sighing, Whizzer lifted my legs, sat down, and laid my legs over his lap. “You can be so lazy sometimes, you know that?”

I shrugged. “I mean, you’re the on enabling it.”

“True…”

A silence fell over us as we both relaxed into the couch. It wasn’t an awkward silence though, not me at least. It was comfortable. Cozy even. Whizzer must not have felt that way though.

“Let’s go out tonight!” he said, a devilish smile on his face. “Just the two of us!”

“It’s a school night,” I pointed out.

“Come on, it’ll be fun! And since when have you cared about school?”

Jesus. He’d gone right for the kill on that one. “Touché… but I still don’t know… I’ve made prior commitments with the couch.”

Whizzer stared at me, raising an eyebrow. “Judging by how far you’ve sunk into it, I’d say you’ve spent plenty of time with the couch today.”

“But those prior commitments… shouldn’t I fulfill them if I’ve made them?”

“I think the couch will understand. Besides, I’m sure Reggie would be more than willing to fill in for your absence.”

“Uhhhhg, fiiiiine,” I sighed.

I flopped around a bit, trying to get up in the least energy consuming way possible. But as I made I began to lift myself up I found my hand slipping. “Oh shi-“ I started, realizing that I was about to fall off of the couch.

_THUD._

“Ow…”

Whizzer looked over the edge of the couch, stifling laughter. I looked back up, contemplating if I would even try to get up. It really didn’t seem worth it at this point. The floor had claimed me as it’s own. Maybe this would be my final resting place.

“Are you okay?” Whizzer asked, offering a hand.

“No,” I said sadly, shaking my head and ignoring his offer. “I think I’m done for. Though I’m okay with my final moments being here. I never realized how comfortable this carpet is…”

“Well when I was first looking for an apartment I obviously took that into consideration. You wouldn’t believe how many apartments have what it takes to earn The Whizzer Seal of Approval.”

“ _The_ Whizzer Seal of Approval?” I asked, feigning disbelief.

“The one and the same!” Whizzer nodded, his expression remaining completely serious.

“Wow, how prestigious.”

“Honestly, it’s a great source of quality control.”

“I believe it.”

Whizzer sat in silence for a few moments before looked at me again, more serious now. “Seriously though, Matty. Are you okay?”

I glanced away, stuffing my hands in my pocket so Whizzer wouldn’t see the nervous fidgeting. I didn’t really want to fess up that I had a crush. It was embarrassing and I felt dumb for even having it in the first place. I’d never really liked anyone before. I’d always been too focused on finding some sort of self-acceptance and trying to avoid people to really notice anyone in that way.

“Yea, I’m fine.” I lied, surprisingly natural. “Why?”

“You just… you’ve been acting a bit different lately. You know you can talk to me about whatever, right?”

“Of course,” I nodded, grateful that Whizzer was so supportive but still not wanting to admit my feelings. “But I’m fine, really.”

Staring at me, Whizzer nodded. “Okay, but if anything was going on you’d tell me right?”

“You’ll be the first to know after Reggie,” I promised.

It wasn’t a lie. Reggie was the only one to know at this point. And if I did end up telling anyone it would more than likely be Whizzer. I appreciated Marvin for all that he’d brought to Whizzer and my life but I couldn’t really picture myself having that kind of conversation with him. And Ben knew Sarah. I couldn’t have someone who actually knew her knowing. It wasn’t that I thought he’d betray my trust, it was just that Ben was… he was great but had the worst poker face in the world and I didn’t need that kind of liability. I already got enough harassment, I didn’t need to fuel that fire.

“Reggie gets to know before me!?” Whizzer asked, feigning hurt.

“Of course,” I shrugged. “He’s such a great listener and all.”

“Really?” Whizzer asked, looking at the damages his furniture had accumulated over the years. “He sure has me fooled then...”

“Listening is a totally different skill set than behaving and obeying.”

“Mm-hm…” Whizzer hummed, standing up and offering his hand again. “If we’re going to be hitting the town then we should get going.”

“Hitting the town? Is that what the kids are saying these days?” I asked, taking his hand.

“Absolutely, I’m hip,” Whizzer said, pulling me up.

“I’m pretty sure saying ‘hip’ automatically makes you not ‘hip,’” I said, air-quoting the word hip. “But who am I to say? I’m not exactly ‘hip’ myself.”

“Nah,” Whizzer said, shaking his head as we walked towards the door. “We’re the hip ones, it’s everyone else who doesn’t get it.”

I nodded, grabbing my coat as we left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explanation for why this chapter happened in the first place:
> 
> It's been a long week. I wrote a fan letter to Andrew Rannells last Friday that I'm gonna send off in April. And I'm glad I wrote it but it also drug up a lot of painful memories because of how personal I get in it (He and his work have helped me through so much guys...) so that wasn't great. I also hung out with some friend from high school and they brought my high school crush (who I liked for over 4 years...) without warning me. And that was the first time I've seen him in 3 1/2 years. And um... wow. It wasn't bad, persay. But it was hard. He's exactly the same as he was back then. Still just as attractive, funny, and chill. But we wouldn't be good for me. And then there were some pronoun things that came up (I haven't come out to them...) and I was just really uncomfortable because of it. It kind of feels like I'm back in high school again which, oh boy, is not a fun feeling. So I got really depressed and it's been lingering all week. Fun times~ 
> 
> So that's why this chapter happened... also Sarah's name is in reference to my first two celebrity crushes that were female lol Sarah is Sarah Michelle Geller and Frye is the last name of Jewel Staite's character in Firefly (Kaylee). Fun little piece of useless trivia for you guys lol


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Matthew is slightly loopy off of pain killers and Ben's mom shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place after chapter 9. Pretty angsty towards the end. Planning on the next chapter continuing off this one.

Hospitals… I didn’t really have any good reason for disliking them. They were there to help people. I’d never had a horrible experience at one. In my fifteenish years of being alive, I hadn’t ever spent all that much time in them. There was just something about them that I didn’t like though. So being stuck in one for the last few hours was just the shit stained cherry on top of my shit flavored cake of a day.

I’d gone through several tests, been questioned thoroughly by Charlotte and several other specialists, and was now awaiting my sentencing as far as when I would be released from the hospital. So far the diagnosis was some broken ribs and a concussion. We were still waiting for a couple of test results but Charlotte had made it sound as though odds were I’d have to stay overnight for observations.

I glanced at Ben, who was seated beside my bed while Whizzer and Marvin had left to talk about stuff with Charlotte. The two of us hadn’t spoken much since being found by Marvin. We’d both been questioned separately on what had happened and what had caused the fight in the first place. I had no clue to what he’d said but I’d lied completely about the cause, saying that it had had something to do with a trivial disagreement that got out of hand.

No matter how much anyone pushed, I’d said I’d come across Ben about to get in a fight and had stepped in. It seemed though, with how beat up I was while Ben looked relatively untouched, that nobody really believed that story. And I was terrified that he’d already spilled the beans to someone. There was no real reason for him to continue lying for me.

 “So uh…” Ben piped up, taking me by surprise. “How… how’re you feeling?”

“Better,” I said, thankful for the pain killers I’d recently been given despite the slight haze and grogginess they were causing.

Unable to make eye contact, Ben glanced away and nodded. An awkward silence returned, making me feel the need to say something. Anything, really. “What did you say when they asked you what happened?” I asked.

Ben winced, making me wish I hadn’t said anything. I couldn’t really be angry if he’d told the truth. Any half-way decent person would hopefully want to say something about it. Would want to see the assholes who’d done this brought to justice or something.

Hell, I would’ve loved to see them get what was coming to them. But I also didn’t want to make a bigger deal out the situation than what already had been made of it. And I certainly didn’t want to see Whizzer or Marvin’s reactions to finding out what had actually happened. I couldn’t deal with opening that can of worms and then adding it to everything else that was already going on.

I felt bad enough for worrying and frustrating everyone with my unwillingness to give the full story. And I felt even worse for all hassle I was putting Whizzer through. Having to leave work early, already having called in and using some vacation days to stay at home with me for the next few days, all the paper work he had had to fill out, and all the general confusion and emotions that came with the situation. But I felt like letting him know the actual cause of everything would only hurt him more. Me being stupid and getting in a fight made him angry since I’d broken my promise. But… me being a victim of a hate crime? I didn’t even want to think about he’d react to that.

“Well uh… outside of the car or here?” Ben asked.

“Both?”

“Uhhh-mm…” Ben exhaled, looking at the floor while nervously wringing his hands. “Marvin pressed really hard for more… believable answers outside of the car but I mostly just said that we were friends from school and that the fight was my fault.”

I nodded, relieved that I hadn’t been lying for nothing in the car. “And here?”

“…I-uh… a-about the same…” Ben said, looking more and more nervous with each syllable. “U-until Whizzer and Marvin started poking holes in everything I said…”

“Mm…” I hummed knowing the jig was up at this point. “So you told them the truth then?”

“N-no!” Ben said, looking up at me frantically. “Not exactly anyway… I uh… I stuck to it being a fight that you got me out of. B-but I admitted that we haven’t known each other that long… I said we’d been friends for maybe a month at most. And then they started… asking what caused the fight in the first place and… why I wasn’t involved in the fight after you stepped in…”

“Yea?” I asked, feeling a sense of relief as well as concern towards to how deep a hole Ben and I may have dug ourselves into.

“Mm-hm… I… I didn’t really have a good answer for the last part… b-but I told them the initial cause of the fight was um… g-god it’s sounds so dumb…”

“What was it?” I prodded.

Ben glanced around, visibly embarrassed. I had to wonder what he could’ve made up that made him so fidgety. “I… I told them that this guy was dick and when they pushed for specifics I… I told them he said… well I more shouted than said…”

“What did he say?” I asked.

 “He… he said Star Wars sucked and it escalated from there…” Ben said, now beet red.

“You… you told them you got in a fight over someone saying Star Wars sucks?” I asked, still trying to process through the slight haze the pain killers were giving me. “And that I stepped in and got my ass kicked over it?”

“I-it was the first thing that came to me!” Ben said, looking mortified. “I-I just… it slipped out…”

I winced as a laugh involuntarily slipped out. “S-sorry… it’s not funny…” I said, trying not to laugh both due to the pain I knew it would cause and the further embarrassment it would give Ben.

“It… it kinda is…” Ben sighed. “They didn’t believe it anyway… what’d you tell them?”

“That is was over something trivial and got out of hand,” I snickered and winced, realizing our stories lined up pretty well.

“Huh…” Ben sighed. “Guess that works with my story…”

“Mm-hm,” I hummed. “Thank you… for not telling them what really happened and stuff…”

“O-oh, no problem…” Ben said. “I… I figure you must have your reasons for not wanting your dad… dads?”

“Dads…” I said softly, realizing I had never consciously tried on the idea of Marvin actually being a second parental figure in my life.

It was strange since I sort of subconsciously considered Marvin a part of the hobbled together family Whizzer, Reggie, and I had formed. Along with the happiness that Marvin brought Whizzer, he’d really solidified the feeling of family with us. He really balanced out Whizzer as a parent, as much as I may have disliked this fact when it came to boundaries and restrictions being laid out for me.

Jason and I didn’t see each other incredibly often since Marvin only had custody on the weekends, but I still enjoyed hanging out with him and would have happily considered him my brother. And Marvin had been so concerned when he’d first found Ben and I. I hadn’t really thought about it at the time, but it meant a lot that he even cared that much in the first place.

“Yea… dads…” I said, smiling before blushing at the sudden realization that I’d said it in front of Ben. “Er… um… please don’t tell them I said that…”

Ben nodded, chuckling awkwardly. “Okay… but um… yea. I figure there must be some reason you don’t want them to know…”

“I don’t want them to, like, worry and stuff… ya know? They’re just so great and I put them through so much as it is. I don’t need to add more shit for them to worry about.” I sighed, suddenly not feeling so grateful for the pain killers. “Shit... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lay all that on you… I just… these pain killers… ya know?”

“Uhh… not really but it’s fine,” Ben laughed. “I won’t say anything.”

“Thanks… you’re really nice, ya know that?” I said.

“Haha thanks…” Ben said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

“No really, not many-” I said, suddenly cut off be the door opening.

“BENJAMIN ANTHONY PAUL!”

“Oh no…” Ben whispered as I spotted a rather irate looking woman marching over to us. “H-hi mom…”

“Don’t you ‘hi mom,’ me!” the woman said. “Do you know how worried I’ve been!? I get a call from the hospital and figuring I’m getting called in to cover a shift only to be told you’re here! What else am I supposed to think other than you’ve gotten hurt!?”

“I’m sorry… I just… it was an unexpected situation…” Ben said, fidgeting.

“Unexpected!? They’re saying you we involved in a fight! We’ve only been here for a week! You’ve never gotten into fights before!”

“A week? You said you two have been friends for a month…”

Shit. I looked over and noticed Whizzer now standing in the doorway with his arms crossed and eyebrow raised, Marvin standing behind him. This wasn’t good. The pain killers were already making it hard enough to not spill my guts, I didn’t need this kind of pressure to own up to my lies.

“A month?” Ben’s mom said, looking shocked. “You’re lying now too!? What kind of influences are you hanging out with!?”

“I’m not hanging out with any-” Ben started.

“Next you’ll tell me you’re doing drugs!”

“Wha-what!? I’m not doing drugs mom!”

“Are you sure!? Picking fights over movies! What’s going on with you!?”

“I-it’s my fault…” I said quietly, making everyone look at me with surprise.

“What? No, it-” Ben interjected.

“Don’t blame Ben…” I said, cutting off Ben before he could get any further. “He was just trying to help out and be nice… I picked the fight…”

Whizzer looked at me, a definite look of disappointment in his eyes. I felt terrible. I hadn’t seen that look since he’d found I out I’d been skipping school. It was soul shattering. “What was it over?” he asked.

Ben and I stayed quiet under the adults’ gazes. “Will you two at least be honest about how long you’ve known each other?” Marvin pushed, frustrated.

“…We met today…” I said as I looked down at the sheets covering me, wishing the groggy haze would leave me so I could think more clearly. So I could process what I was saying before I said it. “Right before the fight happened…”

“Unbelievable,” Whizzer exhaled.

“Why would you lie about this?” Ben’s mom questioned, gentler but still upset. “What… what could possibly make either of you think it was good idea?”

“It’s complicated…” Ben said.

“Complicated? Maybe explain it and we can understand…” Ben’s mom said.

I picked at a piece of string as Ben remained quiet. A quiet sigh escaped me as I looked back up, seeing everyone looking at us expectantly. “I-uh… I’d really rather not… if that’s okay…” I said, tears welling in my eyes.

“I’d prefer if you did,” Whizzer said. “I want the truth this time.”

“What’s happened, happened…” I managed, trying with all my might to overpower the haze. “I don’t really want to talk about it…”

Whizzer moved to say something, stopping only when Marvin placed a hand on his shoulder. Looking back, Whizzer took a deep breath and exhaled as Marvin shook his head. “Fine,” Whizzer said, looking back at me. “We’ll drop it for now but I want answers later. Honest ones this time.”

Nodding, I glanced at Ben. He was looking at the ground, contemplative. “We should go…” Ben’s mom said after a few moments, making Ben look up and nod.

“Y-yea…” Ben said, standing up and offering an awkward smile to me. “Feel better. And it wasn’t you’re fault.”

“Thanks,” I smiled sadly as he turned and left the room with his mom, Whizzer and Marvin following behind to see them off and probably question Ben a bit.

A few tears made their way down my face as the door closed. I knew deep down it was my fault. It would always be my fault. For getting kicked out. For the bullying. For the fights. For Ben getting in trouble. For the hassle Whizzer went through with my antics. If I could have just be happy with who I was. If I could’ve just been quiet about how I felt. If I wasn’t so different then none of it would’ve happened. But I hadn’t been quiet. I’d just had to say something about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmmm... I've been feeling a lot of stuff lately. Depression mixed frustration mostly. Tired too. It's kinda like an endless loop tbh. I get depressed so I can't sleep. I can't sleep so I get super tired, frustrated, and more depressed until I finally pass out. Repeat. It's rough but I'm doing my best to make it through it. So this chapter was kinda born of that, especially the end. 
> 
> I really dislike it when people blame their selves for other people being shitty but it's something I often do as well. I still blame myself for a lot of bullying and stuff I went through because of how emotional and depressed I can get. Like I can logically tell myself it's not my fault because it's others that chose to be assholes about it but I still find myself thinking, "if I weren't so emotional,", "if I hadn't said anything,", or "if I wasn't different." Sucks. But again, I'm working on it.


	12. Update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just an update because I feel bad for not posting in forever.

So... it's been a while, huh? I've been crazy busy with school and all that but I have some crazy news. The most important thing first... I came out publicly on Facebook yesterday so all my friends and acquaintances know how I identify. And I'm overwhelmed with the support and love everyone has shown me thus far. There's been a couple of people who haven't reacted quite as I'd hoped.

Namely my mom who is trying her best to be supportive but also doesn't really get it. I asked her how she would feel about it and she said she was scared to talk to me about these things because she didn't want to say the wrong thing and upset me. Which I get and respect but I also want her to feel like she can be open and honest with me like I'm trying to be with her. And when I told her this she admitted she doesn't understand why I have to make a public deceleration. And that did kind of hurt because I just want to like as myself and have that validated/let others know who I am. But still, I'm trying to be respectful of this viewpoint while also explaining my view point.

The second person is a classmate who admittedly hasn't seen the post because we're not friends on Facebook. But I'm now where a button with the trans flag that says he/him on it and I corrected him when he used the wrong pronouns/name as I'm trying to be more vocal about it. And he just ignored it and continues to use the wrong pronoun/name (I get forgetting or slipping up but that's not what this is) which I should've expected because he's made it clear he isn't the most forward thinking in the past. But the fact he isn't even acknowledging it when I say something is what upsets me. A friend who he tends to listen to has said he'll talk to him though so that's making me feel better.

The second big thing is when I came out I let everyone know my new chosen name. And that name is Matthew. I can't explain how much writing this story has and will continue to help me figure things out and work through feeling/confusions. Matthew started out as a friend to relate to for me. But as he helped me start to come into my own I found myself unable to see myself picking any other name. So thank you for allowing me to post and share that journey <3

Thirdly, I did a 50 hour film competition over spring break and managed to make it into the public screening. So this Friday I get to see a film that I co-wrote and edited on the big screen with friends and a bunch of strangers. But what's more fantastical about it to me is that my team asked if I'd like to be credited as Matthew on it. And I said yes. So this is the first thing I've ever been credited as Matthew on and I feel like crying because all of this! It's just so crazy to me and I'm so excited for Friday night!

Fourthly, I've gotten permission to submit my senior capstone under this name. So my script about young children and a religious community learning about identity and acceptance is going to be read and reviewed by a panel seeing me as I see myself. And that's so wonderful.

And finally... I got to direct an LGBTQ+ film that's adapted from a comic I drew in high school. I've yet to edit it but that's so wonderful to me. I think this is the biggest testament to how far things have come for me. I was miserable in high school. I still struggle with anxiety and depression but I look at myself and know how much happier I am now. So, despite believing the opposite for so long, it has gotten better. There's still some pretty bad lows and I assume this will continue because... life? But seeing everything that's happening around and to me has given me so much hope for the future and further fuels my drive to write my screenplay and get it made so others with similar feelings and struggles will know they're not alone, be validated, and hopefully help those who may not understand what this feels like learn <3

Signing off for now to continue with homework and get some sleep (It's almost 1 A.M. yay...) but I'll be back asap :)

-Matthew


End file.
